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aaron's Journal

Friday, July 2, 2010


June 30 at 5:33pm
Hey, i'm so surprised to hear from you. Jessica never told me that she ran into you. You don't have to appologize. It's been such a long time, i hardly remember the whole live journal thing....whatever you did wasn't worse than what i did, right? So i guess i forgive you too.
I made some really big mistakes with you, and i don't know if you will appreciate me telling you this or not but i've never made those mistakes again in any of my following relationships.
Things are going alright, i'ts been a rough few weeks, i started a new job and there have been lots of changes so....it gets easier everyday. How are you? how are things? and i dont think i do know courtney....i dont even know why we are fb friends. weird. i guess ask her if she knows me? Thank you so much for the message, it was nice to hear from you. -Candace

...and now it seems like her profile has been deleted or something. Just a blank picture and no name to click on..so I can't reply.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

2:06AM - hi again

Well I started reading for a few minutes. Then I started crying because of what I was reading. Man, I miss Donald. Sometimes I get all gooey eyed thinking about how much that fucking sucks. Yeah..anyway. Always sayin I wanna write more. Don't think I've ever even written about the amazing girl I've been dating almost 2 1/2 years. Or the amazing puppy I've had for...about a week longer than the girlfriend haha. Life is good. New job. New house. New roommate (in addition to the old). Well I guess the roommate and house thing is kinda old now. Already been here a year. Happy, though. That was the point. Everything is goin pretty good. I mean no one is hiring cops right now so I'll probably have to pay my own way through the police academy, but they like when you do that and take you a lot more seriously (that shitty grammar? I should look into that). And I don't know if my screen is displaying fuzzy or if I need sleep. Epic game of capture the flag tonight. Don't know why I ALWAYS roll the right ankle only. Epic bike ride with Eric yesterday. Enjoying working out again. Not enjoying having to work hard to maintain a six pack for the first time in my life. It's ok. Discipline is good for me. And you. You lazy fat bastard. Um, guess that's it for now.

And sent Candace a message on facebook.

Aaron Moore June 30 at 1:36am
Been a long time. And I only recently saw Jessica and realized I never told you this- I'm sorry and I forgive you.

I know I wasn't perfect so I'm sorry. And beyond that I'm sorry for the whole livejournal ordeal. I honestly wasn't doing it to be mean, I was just upset, and not just at you.

I also want you to know I forgive you. For everything. I forgave you a long time ago, just never told you. I'm not a vengeful person. I don't hold grudges. Haha I rarely even get mad for more than a few minutes. I know you're human and made your mistakes and will make others, that's life. And I doubt you've been losing sleep for years without hearing these words from me, but I did want to make sure I let you know. I do forgive you and wish you only the best for the rest of your life.

I hope all is well with everyone and you're having an awesome summer. If you don't feel up to writing back, no biggie. Like I said, just wanted to let you know, but I am always there if you want to. Forgiving friends is what makes the world go 'round.



PS how do you know Courtney??

Current mood: chipper

Thursday, March 19, 2009

12:10AM - St. Patty's

I forgot and totally want to add that while changing oil at Shawn's shop, we were listening to Live 105, and Say It Ain't So came on. We were both whistling the solo. When it ended and I kept going, he looked at me and started back up and we finished together.
He looked at me and said, "Double whistle solo. Nice," then high-fived me. It was pretty awesome.

We went to SF on bikes and BART yesterday for him to go to the passport headquarters cuz they're fuck ups and they fuck everyone's shit up right when they need it the most, like right when you're about to go on a cruise. Same shit they did to me they're doin to Shawn. Anyway, we finished that up pretty quickly and decided it was way too nice a day to just head back home to our lives. We rode a bit, but we're also both way outta shape, and I suck ass on a bike as it is anyway. We rode to Lombard, with plans of going down the crazy windy section, but we kinda said fuck that after walking them all the way up all those other crazy steep hills. So we went towards the piers and just happen to be passing by the very Irish "Fiddler's Green," which was decked out in green, had hot Guinness girls out front, and was blasting Dropkick Murphys.
Shawn said, "I think it's time to stop in for a pint,"
to which I replied, "And to knick a bag of crisps?"
We both got a good laugh as big Vandals fans and went in. And on a side note I would definitely like to go down for one of their xmas shows again because that was amazing. So we went in and both had a glass of Stella.
Then Shawn looked at me and smiled. "Never thought I'd see the day when you drink, let alone be with you in the middle of the day on St. Patty's where we randomly drop into a pub for a drink.
I think we found us a new St. Patrick's Day tradition."
God I miss just hanging out with friends and doing what the fuck ever we feel like. I'm still the supreme light weight. Actually I don't even know if feather weight says enough. Cuz I feel it after less than one. And I did. Then a whole fucking 10+ piece bag pipe..band or crew or whatever you call them..came in, drums and all. It was AWESOME. We left the bikes locked up and went exploring on foot a little. I bought us burgers and another beer, which was a bad idea. Not that I got all smashed or anything, but yeah, I felt it. More that I am flat fucking broke and should not be spending ANY money. We saw a whole school of segways. I really wish I'd thrown something at them. Some lady took a picture.
Shawn said, "It's a kodak moment."
She was drunk and replied, "It's St. Patty's Day, they're all kodak moments!"
I went into a fight gear shop nearby and had the Guinness beads the girls put on me around my neck. The clerk asked how many Guinness' I'd had.
"None, actually."
"Really? Cuz you look like you've had a few." Haha sweet.
When we decided to head back it was only about 4:05. When we got to BART it was like 4:18, and we found for the first time that bikes aren't allowed on BART from 4:15 til 6:30. This stupid country. So we had to kill 2 more hours riding around as it was starting to get cold. Found out Millencolin was playing that night and would have loved to have gone if, ya know, I had any money. And maybe no plans.

Pretty good day. And glad I'm writing again, however slight.

Current mood: tired

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

1:09AM - And Too Day Was Ohh-Kay

So I have this friend I had only known online until Friday night. This girl randomly im-ed me a few years ago while Matt and I were getting back into his car in the Foodmaxx parking lot. I couldn't say exactly when, but I know I was dating Candace still and he was still living with his dad, so I'm thinking at least 3 years. Well so this girl randomly messages me, back when I was still all over the sidekick, just telling me she found me on myspace and thought I was hot and loved guys that wrestled and fighting really turned her on and shit like that. Yeah I guess kind of a lot for a first conversation but that's the internet. I don't really remember what else, but she did continue to talk to me on AIM semi-regularly, and mentioned how this guy liked her and wouldn't leave her alone or whatever and that she threatened him with me beating him up. Ok. I guess. I didn't really care, since I had no intentions of ever doing anything like that for this broad I didn't even know, but then she also gave him my screen name. So he messaged me, and just kind of put the facts out there. "Tori says you're gonna beat me up. She says you're a wrestler." Whatever. He continued to IM me also, and was a pretty nice guy. Fast forward a bunch, he would still message me occasionally and we'd talk. Found out things like he's a lawyer in New York, has a young daughter and rich parents. Then the other day he says he's gonna be in Berkeley for a conference, I say we should try to hang out at least once. I went out there Friday and we met on telegraph and looked for a bar. I guess the least I could say is he's not what I'd expected. Only 35 years old, but looks far older. His hair was all kinds of gray, his voice was all kinds of squeaky, and his ADD was all kinds of all kinds. All in all, though, a genuinely, really cool guy. Lots of skanky, under dressed girls distracted us both, but I learned that he is a lawyer, and graduated from Harvard, but instead of being at a large firm that lines his pockets and has limit-less resources, he left that and went for the smaller, public interest type stuff. He went on to explain the paradox of that, in that none of the people he works with could actually do that if they didn't have very wealthy parents or spouse, and that he was no exception. His dad ran some men's clothing stores in New York City that he slowly bought the buildings of, and now it's one of the busiest blocks in the state, and all his money comes from renting those out to other businesses. And also that his parents used to be die hard right wing, and now understand why he does what he does, and back him both financially and mentally. He explained how he takes on a lot of cases that others wouldn't and why he does. Like how right now craigslist is being used for prostitution, and how it's being cracked down on, and how right now he's arguing in the lawyer community fighting for it. Not that he supports prostitution, but it being on craigslist is just like a few other subjects that have been in the news. Letting heroin and other needle-using addicts trade in their used needles for clean ones. It's not that these programs are encouraging drug use, but if they're going to do it anyway, why not provide clean needles in hopes to help limit the spread of disease? Giving condoms out to minors at health clinics. No access to protection isn't going to stop them from having sex. They're going to do it anyway, so at least let them be safe and limit unplanned pregnancy and disease. And then craigslist, he has a very good point: it's not like craigslist is the reason prostitution exists. It's going on anyway, and for a lot of women (c'mon, that's mainly who this is), it's a short term thing to get back on their feet and avoid having to do that again, more than likely not how they want to make their money. But craigslist would mean on their terms only. As much as they want to only not having to pull in a certain quota every night to avoid a beating. Taking that away from them would take away that entrepreneurial aspect of it, and put them into the hands of the under the radar and fully illegal and dangerous life that the rest of them are in. Into the hands of the pimp and ho life, where, more than likely, now there are minimums, service charges basically, where it's not all going home to help them, drugs, violence, and things they were trying to avoid from the beginning. I hadn't thought about it like that before, but it's true. We talked about a lot of other things. Some political, some about what's going on in the world today and just other bs. He feels good about what he does and works with a lot of people that feel the same, and we spent the night talking at the bar, walking through the area talking, and his hotel room, where he made me a cd of audio disposition tracks that he hired me to transcribe. He says it's doing him a huge favor, and it'll cost him a lot less to pay me for it and I say he's doing me a huge favor cuz I'm broke and jobless like so many. But it was pretty cool, just because it's just another one of those people that you know you would've never met if these few little things hadn't happened, and you're totally glad they did.

I went to Pep Boys to get oil changing supplies today and saw my old best friend from my first few years of high school, David Pike. I knew he worked there, but it slipped my mind. It was cool seeing him. Honestly, he was kind of a shitty best friend back then, but today he had asked about all kinds of stuff. Remembered all my family's names and was asking how they were and everything. It was nice.

I changed my oil at Shawn's work today. Then we hung out, then we got burritos at 48th and International and watched hookers get picked up and I couldn't help but remember back to my Friday Night conversations. And now I think I'm joining Shawn on Bart and bike to SF for him to go to the passport office or whatever. Sleep time.

Current mood: contemplative

Friday, March 13, 2009


I just don't understand. I want to. But I don't want to. I want something to blame. But I don't want to find out I could've stopped...

(So I guess I'd started that thought right after Donald's funeral back in December. I don't remember what else I was thinking at the time, but I want to try and finish that thought. Just try).

...him from doing that. Finding out I had the power and the opportunity to save someone and not doing it would probably eat away at me. At least for a little while. I wonder what was going through his head. Like I want to know, but I fucking don't. Like who did he think about last? And first? And what of them? Did he go through his phone and rate all his contacts on how much he liked and would miss them? Did he say a little something or try to summon up a good memory with each first? Was it all just in his head and he just went for it? Did he shed a tear, or just go in as his fearless self without another thought? Did I cross his mind at all? I struggled for a while with all this and spent more time crying for him than I have for anything in a long time. I think the saddest part of it all is that he didn't truly want to do that. No one does. My cousin Kris called to ask if I could babysit that Friday night and I just poured it all on her. I hadn't let a lot of it out until just then. I explained my whole big theory about it all to her and sobbed in between breaths. No one truly wants to die. There are those that are in agonizing pain day in, day out, but they don't want to die, they want to be out of pain. There are those whose families are all kinds of fucked up and are getting molested by their uncle or whatever that want to get themselves away from that life. They don't really want to die, they just want to be out of that situation. And those that are depressed and feel like life has nothing left to offer them and are done here, DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DIE, they want to love life and feel that it's great and they are only beginning here. That's all anyone wants that's in something fucked up, a way out. Just leaves you with so many questions. So fucking many.

There's so many more. And they'll never have answers. I've thought about suicide so much before. Not like actually following through with it, just about what it is. The subject and idea of suicide. Like what would happen. About who would say and think and feel what. Wondering how much my life has affected others and what they would think if mine were to succumb to my own hand. It's a really interesting thing to think about. But I don't ever want to go through the actual thing again. But chances are I will. It's just becoming more and more common these days. A harsh reality. Really harsh.

I dunno. 3 months of space in between those thoughts. Plenty of other has happened since then. I need to get back on this some more.

Current mood: tired

Monday, December 1, 2008

4:47PM - Not How I Wanted To Spend My Birthday

I really fucking hate again that I've taken so long to write in here. And now I hate even more to only write that it's my birthday and I'm balling my eyes out because I just found out a friend killed himself. I've never been in this situation before. I don't really know how I should feel. I feel sad. Definitely fucking sad. I had to have the news broken to me by other friends and pass it on to other friends myself. And I know everyone always says, "He's the last person I ever expected to do something like that," but he was. Donald was always making everyone laugh and goofing around and always had a smile on his face. And I've always said that I don't want people crying and carrying on at my funeral and everything to be total sadness. I want to be missed and people wish I were still there, sure, but I don't want everyone to just dwell on the fact that I'm no longer and not move on. I want people laughing and telling stories about how much fun I was. But I already dread seeing everyone this friday. I've never been to a funeral for a friend or someone even anywhere near my age. It's all been older family members who died of natural causes. I don't really know what else to say. I think I'm gonna try to take a nap.

"Uh oh, that shit's made with turkey. I might get shleepy!"
-Donald Cosper.

Here's to you man. I always admired you, and I'll always love you. I still don't really know what I believe about after death, but hopefully we'll meet again one day.

Current mood: sad

Saturday, May 17, 2008

12:19PM - Rise Again, Little Fighter

Again I'm mad for having such a huge gap in between my entries, and I know I'm about to make this one short because I'm about to go to the beach. Maybe I should just do little quick things like this for myself a few times a day. I dunno. Anyway, life's pretty good. I have a major gash in my right eyebrow from boxing Shaggy. The same gash re-opened from Shawn and the muffler.

Brad's home for the whole summer. I mean he's taking some classes and playing with a team in San Jose, but he's mostly home. And he broke up with Roxy, told her she was too high-maintenance, and so, thankfully, won't be spending huge chunks of his visits home in LA. I thought she was a sweet girl, but then again I met her like 2 1/2 times in Brad's 2 1/2 years with her. I am proud of him for doing that though, because a lot of guys wouldn't. And it's cool that we're getting closer. We barely spoke in high school, and now it seems like I'm the first one he tells when he's coming home. He's got a friend from school, originally from New Zealand, visiting for a few weeks. Almost over now, so we're trying to have a really good weekend.

I started reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius again. I've probably started it 3 times now. I keep losing it and having to start over. But this time it's getting finished for sure. The book that inspired me to write an autobiography deserves better. Stephen of Anberlin wrote a book. I read the reviews and it was compared to AHWOSG, which was amazing because of how amazing a book that is to be compared to, and that other people will hopefully now read and love it, too. It also mentioned The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, which is one of the most amazing stories I've ever read. So that means Anberlin's singer has great skills, and great taste. I want to find out what else he thinks are good books. I turned the page while reading the other night, and a little piece of paper leaped out at me. I ignored it and kept reading at first. Then I started thinking about it some. I don't know why, but I did. And I kept thinking about it while I tried to continue my read. So I finally stopped and explored my chest until I found it. Just a millimeter thin, inch long, piece of paper. Or so it seemed. It had a thicker, sort of cardboard/paper with one side dusty and weak property. I thought Maybe this is part of the cover. No, it can't be. How would it get to the middle of the book? I turned it over. The other side had a faded red color to it, the same as the large drape on the front cover. The outside binding is worn, as are most books that have been started and stopped and started again several times throughout their lives. I found the mystery piece's provenance (it means point of origin. I learned that in the book, actually). And I wondered again, how this little piece got so far from home. In the same book as it was born, sure. Maybe that's like the country, but through all those pages and chapters, that's miles and states away to a little piece of binding. This little piece of paper. This little piece of dust and glue with some red ink. This little insignificant spec of a beautiful story, had fought hard and made it far; maybe strayed off a little here or there, but never gave up or looked back and wondered if it should even bother, and that little inanimate object made me smile; gave me hope. In 2 weeks I'll have my AA in Criminal Justice and Psychology. I held onto that little adventurous piece of book binding. I'm going to save it. As a reminder. I don't know how yet. Maybe make into a piece of jewelry or something so I can always have it with me.

Current mood: optimistic

Sunday, April 13, 2008

11:17AM - Grand Theft Auto?

I had a dream the night before last that these 2 hot Asian girls and I were going around stealing cars. I don't really remember much of why or how, but we were. It was even while the owners were right there out front. One would distract him while the other was breaking in and hot wiring. Then we'd be out. I don't remember who anyone was, except Nick Bruce. I don't know why we would steal my friend's car, but we did. We pulled up, Nick was out front, I talked to him while one of the girls flirted with him and the other opened the back door and walked away like it was nothing. He didn't notice. Then all of a sudden someone yells GO! and we were off. Nick did notice his car driving away without him, though, and called the cops. Two cars were hot on our tails what seemed like moments later. I freaked out, all the hot Asian girl driving me said was, "Relax, Babe."

Last night I had a dream that another 2 friends and I were out stealing cars, except I think one of them actually was Nick Bruce, and the other was some old guy I didn't know, but from the way we were with each other I'm assuming we we're friends. I don't remember actually stealing any cars like from peoples' residence or anything, but we were taking them from like this...car cemetery. No, not an impound or a junkyard, but a cemetery. They were actually buried and had headstones and marble plaques, some even had tombs. I think they were famous cars also for some reason. Mainly the way we reacted to each others' picks. I remember them being kind of wild. In between heists, we were taking them to Arroyo and pouring gasoline all over the school. Haven't the faintest why, but that's what we were doing. At one of these trips, we lit the fire. Then we still went back for more cars. This trip was the only one I really remember. I had a real tomb to get into. I parked some kind of jeep on the edge of this huge flat slab of concrete. Then somehow I smashed out with my choice, some kind of small, light green wagon. Like really small, and rounded. The others got a bright purple 2000ish Z28. I remember I said, "Are you serious?!" Not sure if I was making fun of them or if it was some really famous car or what. Then we started smashin' back toward Arroyo. It was a pretty accurate San Lorenzo. We drove past the duckpond and ran a few too many stop signs. A sheriff was waiting at an intersection and started chasing us. We led him right to Arroyo, which was full ablaze on the back side now, ditched the cars and ran into the school. Suddenly there were mass cops everywhere. Every turn we made was met by cops, usually just starting to hop the fence. We were running through the school trying to make an escape. I think there were even some teachers chasing us at one point. The only person I recognized, I think, was the athletic trainer from FedEx. No idea what she was doing there. Just when almost every attempt was met by cops, I turned a corner that had none, but had fence attached to the side of the building and was able to scale up to the rooftop quick enough to not be seen. Then I waited, and I don't really remember anything else.

Don't know why I had 2 dreams about it in 2 nights. Wonder if it's trying to tell me something. Maybe an answer to money problems..?

Been far too long since I've used this thing again. I keep planning on it, and having things to write, then not doing it for whatever reason.

Signed up with Colette's brother, Chris at Oakland Karate. So I do the Muay Thai and MMA classes. I get my ass kicked and my shins are constantly bruised, but it's fun as hell. And when we do the MMA, I get punched and kicked in the face a little bit before I decide to take em down, and I keep em down. I think I went through 4 guys and took them down first try. One I got a few pretty good hits on and another I almost choked out. Most of the guys are bigger than I am. Chris is the only one I didn't get down, but we've only gone at it once. I know this makes me sound like an instant badass at this and even kind of feel like one, but honestly I'm not that great a wrestler and I don't think many of the guys here are very tough. I wish it was me getting the shit kicked out of me from start to finish so I could get better faster, but it's really just like a big refresher course kind of. And at the rate we're going, since they just kind of jump around a lot and say, "Oh this is fun, we'll do these," and teach us some very non-beginner jiu jitsu move. I don't really know what I hope to gain from going to this gym, like if I actually want to start fighting, it'll be a while before I'm ready at this pace, but I'm really just having a lot of fun being active again. Feels like I'm on a team again, and I think it's something I really needed in my life again.

Current mood: mellow

Sunday, January 27, 2008

4:40PM - What I Got

Last Friday was weird. I had to think about it kind of a while before deciding to write about it. I mean, I could've done it that first weekend, but I've been busy and putting it off, but I also wanted to think a bit. I got fired that morning. That was really no big deal. I laughed about it. I got called in and walked in to my supervisor cussing out the managers. Something like, "Why the fuck are you gonna get rid of my guy that knows how to do everything, does everything, and gets more done for me every day than anyone else? He's been late 3 fucking times for 3 fucking minutes, and you're going to keep the pieces of shit that don't do anything but show up on time? What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I knew it was coming. I'm not a drone. I don't take their bullshit. The informing manager said it's nothing against me and he thinks I'm a good worker but the management team as a whole made the decision. I had no problem with it, "Whatever, it's fine, I hate this place. I'll see ya later." It's only bullshit that they're really only doing it to save hours, but they'll keep the shitty employees that don't do anything and no one likes. I was actually one of several "less than perfect" people they got rid of. I really wasn't mad at all. I went around and said my goodbyes. Several people told me if I ever need a reference not to hesitate to ask them, so that means I did what I was supposed to. One girl cried when I told her. And she actually got in a car accident on the way out. Definitely not her day. I went straight to Lowe's and talked to Sergio and his managers. Not that I really want to work at another giant hardware store, but it should be an easy hire and they pay more. So at least that while I'm looking. This all I could care less about. The weird stuff happened when I was there.

Candace's sister Jessica called me. It was from a new phone or something because my phone didn't recognize the number. So she said who it was and I said, "Oh hey, what's up?" or something and then she immediately flipped a switch to become someone else.
"I just want to know where you get off posting things like that in your livejournal."
"Well, I don't really get off on it at all."
"Well, I think you know that it was a lot of very personal stuff about Candace and her past and things that happened with me that we don't want on the internet for the world to see. You need to take that shit down. Candy's friends are reading that stuff and calling her. My friends and Ashley's friends are reading it and calling us. People that we don't even talk to or associate with anymore are reading this and calling us about it."
"Um. Wow. Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't put it up there to be malicious or anything. That's just where I write."
"Yeah, that's great. I understand you and Sam had your messages back and forth and that's between you, that's great. But it's not for the world to read about also."
"I didn't put it up for the world to see."
"You put it on myspace. Everyone reads myspace."
"No, I put it in my livejournal. There's a link to that on myspace and everyone has access to that, but there's only a very small handful of people that actually read that."
"But anyone else that wants to can go read it."
"I'm well aware."
"Well can't you at least set it on private or something?"
"Yeah that is possible. But I'm gonna have to tell you I'll think about it."
"You'll think about it?"
"Yeah, I'll think about it. Look, I'm at a job interview, can I give you a call back later?"
"Yes, please do. And think real hard about all this, Aaron," she said in a near threatening tone.
Her sister Ashley called also, but I didn't answer. She just left a quick voicemail that said to call her back.

Welp, I thought. I thought a lot. I thought yeah, I can probably just be the bigger person and do her this favor. Probably even make her feel worse because I were STILL that great of a guy and willing to do something for her when I had the chance to do something mean back. Some said just be the bigger person and help her out. I talked to Jon and he said pretty much that, and then that either way I decide is not the end of the world for me so I shouldn't worry too much about it. I liked hearing that. Then I thought more. I felt like I was going to be some evil asshole if i didn't do this for her. Then I talked to several other friends. I called Clif and talked to him for a while and it felt great because of his stance on it. I tried to call Ashley back because I didn't save Jess' number and I did want to talk to them about all this, but I left a message and she didn't call back. If anything, I think the only one disrespected at all is Candace's boyfriend because he came to me in confidence, and for that I am sorry, but I do not think any of this being in my livejournal is going to negatively affect his life significantly. Some went as far to say I should not only leave it alone, but that I should spam it as much as I possibly can. That's not me. And what I decided to do, really isn't a very Aaron decision either, but I like it.

I'm going to leave it alone. I'm going to leave it where I put it. It's really no skin off my back or much effort for me either way, but after learning what I learned about her recently, this is what I think: simply put, why the fuck should I do one more favor for the girl that never deserved a single thing I did for her in the first place? I gave the world to a girl that didn't deserve a pebble. Why should I go through even the effort of a few mouse clicks? I'm not mad. I'm not hell-bent on revenge. I didn't put it in here to make things difficult on anyone. I put it in here because this is where I put things that I want to keep. I am beyond aware of the fact that this is on the internet and the world has access to it. But what do you want me to say about people reading TRUE things and then calling you on them? Maybe you shouldn't have done things for people to call you on. That make any sense? If you don't like being called a whore, maybe you shouldn't act like one. Anything clicking? Maybe you should have less nosy friends. How bout that? I didn't hold a gun to anyone's head and make them read. I didn't force anyone to click the link to this site. I am not a vengeful person. If I were trying to do something to be mean or malicious, I have a hundred pictures with my dick in her mouth I could've plastered all over the web. But that's not me. I don't need to do things like that to feel better about myself. Simply put, this is the place I do my things. MY things. Things that have to do with me. Yes, when I started this thing out almost 5 years ago it was things I wanted people to read, and omitting things I didn't. Putting literal questions in I wanted people to answer, not rhetorical ones of me talking to myself. I did treat this like a message board or whatever like most everyone else, but I don't do it like that anymore. I don't hold something back because I don't want someone to know about it. And I don't write something in here because I want someone to know about it. I don't care who reads this. Not that I don't care, but I don't mind. I do think I have a few close friends like Billy and Colette that read everything I write. And I appreciate that they take the time to read about my life, whether it's because they're bored and have nothing better to do or because they really are interested, but I don't need anyone to. I don't write in here because I want someone to read it. It is kind of cool that people can read and offer advice or share insight if they feel like it, but I write in here because now this is just where I write. If I really wanted people to read something, I would post on myspace, where I know millions of people have too much free time on their hands and complete strangers spend countless hours browsing and eventually half the world will have read and commented on my thoughts. And sometimes if I'm talking to someone about something it's so much easier to just say, "Well I actually just wrote all about it, here's the link." But if I ever really, really want a certain person to know a certain something, I'll pick up the phone. I don't read much of anyone else's either, but I'm sure they're sensible enough to know that if they really want to make sure I know something, they'll call me. This is where I write. This is where I document my day to day activities. This is where I reminisce. This is where I dream, wonder and plan. This is where I rant. This is where I vent. This is where I cry. I don't have anything to hide. This is the only diary I have ever owned. I write for myself, but at the same time, I'm fine with this being open for the world's eyes to see, and if someone I actually care about and cares about me gets written that they don't like, I will respect someone that respects me and remove it or change the name or something for them. But for Candace? Ha! Definitely doesn't deserve that out of me. I enjoy getting messages from random people on myspace saying that I am an amazing writer and they enjoy reading my journal. That my positive outlook on things even when I could have been extremely negative has helped or touched them in some way. That's a really awesome feeling. Who am I to take that away from them? This is also going to be my main source for when I go to write my book. I'm going to write an autobiography. Am I supposed to leave parts out to not hurt someone's feelings? Am I supposed to leave out things people actually did wrong to me so they don't get RIGHTFULLY shown for who they are? But I guess if my life were perfect and no one ever stabbed me in the back, well there really wouldn't be much point in writing a book.

What her sisters did by calling me was tell me that it's all true. They didn't say, "How could you make up that bullshit about our sister?!" They didn't say, "Why are you spreading rumors about Candace?!" What they said was, "Why did you write about it?" Not "We're sorry, Aaron, I'm sure you must've been hurt and that was really not fair to you," or even that Candace was wrong, just that I was an asshole for making the exposure. There were never any complaints when I was writing about how happy I was to have found someone so special and how totally in love I was. So what they were eluding to wasn't that there was a problem with what she did to me, but what I did to her, which was write about what she did to me. That's like saying the problem isn't that there are people who want drugs, it's that there's a dealer on the street to supply them. It's the exact opposite. The problem isn't that there's a dealer or a drug house in the area, it's that people want it. A thousand people should be able to walk right past a drug house and know exactly what goes on in there and have no desire to be any part of it and just continue about their way. The problem isn't that there are guys out there that are willing to cheat with your girlfriend, the problem is that your girlfriend is willing to cheat.

What I've learned in all my thinkings lately, beside that I was such an idiot to overlook everything and not get mad when I should have, but that everything she ever said to me, everything she ever did for me or made for me, wasn't real. She didn't mean it a single time she said I love you. That's not arguable. If she'd meant it, she wouldn't have done all this sneaking around shit. Things she said and did for me weren't done wholeheartedly. They were done with a guilty conscience. They were done to make up for something else done wrong. She would get mad at me for not answering if I were doing something, but when she didn't answer it might have been because she was under some guy. And that hurts. It hurts to know you weren't in love, but were in fake love. When one person is in love and the other is just playing you. It doesn't hurt me now like heartbreak hurt, it hurts to know you cared so much for someone who didn't care back. It's unfortunate, but really I'm not mad and don't regret a thing. I learned a lot and had some fun, it just sucks that she didn't deserve anything I did for her. All those super cute things I did for her should've gone to someone else. I don't think I know any guys that would spend a week constructing and customizing a sweatshirt with her name and hand-knitted soft hood lining, and individually stenciled, cut, and ironed on snowflakes that I had to burn myself to glue and seal glitter on. I don't know any other guys that would fill their friend's truck bed with snow to make their girlfriend a snowman on her front porch just for the hell of it. Or make a year long poem where you come up with a new creative fun way to deliver the number of months you've been dating in roses with that number of poem lines that you glue together, together onto its host piece of paper. Who goes back into Niles Canyon to jack the 100lb rock from the river you shared your first kiss on to give as a one year anniversary gift? I don't think I know many guys like me. And I didn't think I knew any girls like her. Well, Truth be told, I probably know plenty now. All the crying and begging she did and "Aaron, I love you. I just don't understand why I can't have just one more chance. Anything I have to do, I'll do it." All the while knowing damn well why she didn't deserve anything to begin with, let alone another opportunity to fuck me up. Tristan and I were at the Dublin skate park a few months ago and a bunch of younger girls he knew were there and one of them recognized me and then they all started asking about sweet 16 and what it's like to be on tv and whatever. Then one asked if I was still dating Candace and why not when I said no. "Because she's a cheating whore." I didn't even say it to be mean, I just thought it was a funny thing to say, and I made sure to recant and clear up that we were just two different people and we just didn't work out; told them even that we're still friends but don't talk so much anymore. As far as I was concerned, she was human and made a few mistakes, and I didn't need to sling any mud. It's crazy that up until recently even, if I were asked if I would ever consider dating her again my answer wouldn't have just been a straight no. It would've been more like, "Well I don't plan on it, but who knows what might happen in the future? If our paths just cross someday and something clicks.." And now? "HELLLLLLLLLLLLL NO. NEEEEEEVER AGAIN." Things that used to remind me of her, songs that used to remind me of her or us or be "ours" no longer bother me to hear. And all of this is all just a big "I told you so" from everyone who ever warned me about her, and there were a lot. I've even had 3 separate friends that don't know each other tell me they've run into Chris and asked him about things and he admitted it. Candace didn't deserve my time or effort; my thoughts or tears. And what's worse than that, she didn't even deserve her own tears and all the attention she got from everyone for them. I never hurt her. I never broke her heart, she broke it herself. And I guess it makes me feel better to know I still never did anything wrong. I don't randomly send texts to upset her like I know other guys do. I never called her after we broke up just to chew her out and try to ruin her day like other guys have done, sending her crying into someone's arms to make it better. I was always good. And because I always was so good I honestly want to ask her for the patience poem back. It doesn't rightfully belong to her. It was written for a girl who deserved it, and I was tricked into believing that was her. She doesn't deserve to keep that in her closet for memories or have to show her kids one day. It should be with me so I can at least keep my own work to be proud of and say I wrote it for someone unworthy. Maybe that's mean, but I feel completely justified. Only problem is I'm not so sure I even want to call her to try.

I wish I could freestyle from my mouth as well as I can with my pen. This was on the way to so cal.

Because you're just the girl all the boys got to get with
And I'm just the boy who gave too many chances
And everything I ever gave you
What the fuck was my brain up to?
Just too many pretty words that
You were too ugly to deserve yet
I'd love to say of everything you gave me "I burned it"
But that would be giving you too much credit
Unneeded strain on my heart and I won't let it
I still haven't figured out how to reset it
But I learned my lesson and I'll never forget it
Your words may have said "Aaron, I swear I regret it"
But your actions thereafter were fucking pathetic
I thought I knew what we were
I thought I knew you were her
Once again everything all just falls into place
I wasn't making love, I was making mistakes

And I'm glad her sisters care enough to try to help her out. And no matter what, they're always going to be on her side. She'll probably never be able to do enough wrong to turn them completely against her. And that's a good feeling. It's a great feeling. I know that my friends will always be there for me. No matter how bad I fuck up, they're pretty much going to have my back. But if I did something like this to a sweet girl that did everything for me and everyone liked, well, they'd still have my back, but they would tell me I'm an asshole, and that I fucked up myself and I need to deal with it myself. And I love them for that. I'm sure her sisters will probably try to help her feel better by saying she could do better than me anyway and what kind of loser gets fired from home depot and still isn't done with junior college at 25 and whatever else they can think of. And I'm completely ok with that. I don't need to impress them. They know I'm a great person and never did anyone wrong. I am very happy with where I am. I'm a late bloomer and a slow mover. I always have been. I've never steered away from the path I know I want to travel. I'm headed there slow and although not always steady, I still know where I'm going. And along the way I've always treated everyone right and helped as much as I could. And because I've lived my life like that, when I got fired and told friends they immediately started trying to help. Brandon immediately asked if my pockets were hurting and if I needed to borrow any money until I landed something new. That's the kind of people I associate myself with and who treat me the way I would treat them. I've never pulled a Candace on anyone. Simply put, she made her bed, and now she has to sleep in it. My bed's still plenty comfortable. And if anything she ever did wrong to me that ends up in here, in MY diary of true tales, makes her life the slightest bit unpleasant, three simple words: too fucking bad.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

4:14AM - Good stuff

I was looking for a Gob cd today. So I had to dig through my cd binders. And it was a lot of fun. The good old days of cd's. When you had to search for the cd you wanted to play because you didn't keep them in any particular order. And if you wanted to mix it up a bit you had to make the mix cd yourself. Or when I had the 6 disc changer in the trunk and would put 6 very different cd's in, or everyone in the car would pick a cd or two for the trip and play it on random and think I had the coolest setup ever. Not mp3 players plugged into the deck, not even mp3 cd's, but just good old cd's. It's so much more colorful to turn the pages of a binder and see every actual disc than scrolling with the click wheel of an ipod. It was kind of funny finding some of them. Some had sticker covers I put on them myself. With crappy clipart pictures and funny backgrounds from windows. Or one I made that was H2O/Guttermouth split. The left side had all the H2O song titles listed, and the right side said "I don't know the Guttermouth song names because I'm a dumbass." I was very entertained. I had just spent so much time and energy on music. Saving my allowance for that "new ________ cd." Spending crazy money on merch both through mail orders and at shows. And then later on when technology increased a little and there were cd burners, well that was fun. Borrowed a ton of cd's from Will and Jeremy. Some from Shawn. A bunch from Zane, too. And hung out at Greg's doing homework and changing cd's every few minutes. Sure there's the burned ones with my sloppy writing or those that others burned for me, but the majority were store bought. Back when buying the cd was half the fun. When puling the cd out of its case for the first time and it being kind of hard was exciting. When reading the booklet to see who they thanked and were influenced by was almost as big a goal as hearing the music. How you'd listen to them until they were worn out and scratched to shit. Let people borrow them and never get them back. Or just lose em yourself. And now? We come home from work or school and there are 14 cd's finished downloading. And we say yay. And that's it.

And I'm happy. I think I got a good thing goin. I'll give you a hint, lj.
Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time
Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time

I'll take my chances, I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time

Current mood: tired

Monday, January 21, 2008

4:58PM - Ketchup

Lot of small things I kept putting off. I probably can't remember all of them anymore. Oh well.

My birthday ended up really well. At first I was worried it was gonna be lame because everything kept falling through. Nicole's is the 2nd, so we were gonna have a double birthday party at Eric's parents' party place, but while he was on vacation some stupid girl that worked there had people over and someone got hurt, so his dad was all worried about getting sued and losing everything they owned. Which is completely understandable, it just sucks that it happened right before our planned weekend. So then we were just going to have a party at Nicole's, but her family all live right by her so she was worried they were going to freak out. I didn't really need some big party, but since we'd had something planned I started to get a little bummed. The girls were cooking while Frankie, William and I watched Out Cold, which is definitely near one of my favorite movies ever now. I actually didn't notice my mom didn't ask what I wanted for dinner, like she usually does, and I would've said meatloaf, like I always do. But we went to Black Angus and had a really good meal there. Then my mom pulled out a bag and said I could have that, and pulled out like 3 or 4 hundred dollars cash, or that. I told her I didn't want anything from her because she already bought me Van Halen tickets for later that month, and those were $150 each. She made me take something, so I chose the bag. All she knew was that I wanted a camera, and I was going to put any birthday money toward it. Well, not only did she get me a camera, and everything to go with it, but it was the exact camera I wanted, and I never told her which one I wanted. So I now have a new digital elph, and it's the SD1000. I think my last was the 450. But I was very thankful and have been using it a ton since. We went back to my mom's and just chilled and watched a movie with a fire going. It was really nice. Matt and Courtney came over for cake that Melissa made me and then we finished the night off at Nicole's with Apples to Apples. We picked up Billy, of course Jon was there, and I brought William, too. So it ended up being a really nice birthday with my family and some of my closest friends that I enjoyed a lot.

Thanksgiving I ended up going to Aunt Pat's in Salinas. This was probably the 2nd time seeing Colin, who's now almost 4, and we pretty much became best friends. We played hide and seek, we played with his toys, we went out and explored the yard and threw rocks in a bucket. Then we went to the park later, where baby Katie fell in love with someone's dog, but she couldn't say dog, so she called it a cat. It was adorable. The whole family could not stop thanking me for being so good with Colin, and insist that I need to get a job working with kids. I think I would really like that, and it'll help with what I want to do career-wise anyway.

I went and visited at the cabin the day after xmas also. You've never seen a kid more excited to wake up before. He saw me lying on the couch and his face lit up. We hung out and watched Peter Pan while Aunt Pat and Beth cooked breakfast. Ron called and talked to everyone and when he got to Colin, without any hesitation or time to think, "Hi Dad. Did you know Aaron's here?" This was also pretty adorable. We explored around the cabin and I took a ton of pictures of him just walking around and enjoying it. I was not so prepared for the cold and my hands got too numb to take many more pictures.

The best song ever just came on. San Dimas High School Football Rules! by The Ataris
Actually several Ataris songs have come on today. It's nice.

Mid-December, I'm very glad to have mentioned it, I don't remember why, but I said something about meteor showers, and Rocky told me there was going to be one that night. So I busted out the internet on sidekick and found out he was right. I also found quotes about it like, "If you've never seen a Geminid fireball arc across the sky, you've never seen a meteor. This will be the best meteor shower of 2007." So I started texting everyone I thought might be interested. It wasn't going to start until about midnight, and The Polar Express was about to start. I'd never seen that movie, but always wanted to. Welp, Melissa and I watched it, and it was amazing. Just such a fun movie. There was this part where the kids are all on the train and the conductor says it's time for some refreshments and they bring a bunch of hot chocolate and do a song and dance. I totally fell in love with the song and kept singing it.

And then I especially loved this verse:

You have just one single rule
Never ever let it cool
Keep it steamin' in the pot
Now you've got HOT CHOC-O-LOT!

I brought a huge gatorade thermos of hot water, a few mugs and plastic spoons, and a bunch of hot chocolate packets. We were on our way and almost there when Matt called and wanted us to go get him. I was not about to do that after he bitched about not being able to go AGAIN because Alyssa was. I never have, and never will choose between friends. I put the invite out there to everyone, and if one chooses not to join because of another, that's on them completely. If I'm friends with both and it has nothing to do with me I stay on the fence. Maybe if there was a really good reason I'd think about it, but for the most part, nope. So not only was I not going to turn around from being almost there for someone who didn't originally want to go and was bitching about who was going to be there, but it was about to be at its peak and I didn't want to miss a thing. I convinced him to drive himself because it's not far, but he couldn't find us and reception is terrible there so he never made it. It would've been fun if he joined, so hopefully next time he'll be interested from the beginning. Sean brought a huge tarp and we both brought a bunch of blankets. There was a picnic table that we pretty much made into the hot chocolate station. And good thing, because it was definitely fucking cold. So I think total was Tristan, Jon, Nicole, Sean, Alyssa and myself, and it was amazing. Every time we do this, it's just a blast of us all talking and telling stories and laughing and then every few minutes "OOH!! Saw that one!" Well this one definitely lived up to what I read online. This was one of my most amazing memories ever. There were literally bursts of 10 in a row, back and forth across the sky, almost looking like some awesome intergalactic battle. I definitely saw more than 100 this night and I'll never forget how gorgeous it was or how much fun I had with my friends.

I went to my mom's to hang out last week and ended up building a fire and watching that "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" movie on ABC Family. I used to always make fun of that movie and call it "Your Sister's Pants" or something. And I only remember what channel it was on because I can't stand most of the stuff they air and call family programming. It's definitely not stuff meant for kids. But anyway, it really was a good movie. Like a really good movie. And as gay as this is going to sound, I'm sure the book stomps the movie to the ground, like the book always does, and I want to read it.

Shawn, Jill, my mom and sister all joined me for Van Halen for my birthday present on the 22nd. I got gas after work and was playing the "VH Prep Month" cd as I had titled it (every Van Halen cd), and this guy at the gas station said, "Hey dude, real Van Halen tonight."
"Yeah, I know, I'll be there."
"Fuck yeah, brother, I'll see ya there!!"
It was pretty rad. Black Mike was supposed to be with us, but had to do xmas stuff with his family, so Juli lucked out and got to join. We took BART and passed a lot of very interesting people that we knew were on the way to the same awesome event. I got felt up by at least 4 hot drunken cougars on the way to the bathroom. That was pretty cool. Well, when it started between 8 and 830, there was no opening band, no introductions. We all knew who we were there to see. There was no time-wasting bullshit, just Van Halen start to finish, and it was fucking amazing. Shawn and I did the classic "We're not worthy" bow down several times throughout the night. They played for almost a solid 3 hours. I hadn't ever seen or felt such a great stage presence before. They knew they were up there being worshiped, but they didn't let it go to their heads. DLR spoke with such genuine gratitude in every word that left his lips. To be up there, to be doing what he loved and living the wonderful life he lived; just to be alive. And it was a wonderful feeling to hear someone up there speaking to his fans that gave him that life and really meaning it, when he could've just been filling with things like "Thanks Oakland, this next song..." One of the older guys at Home Depot told me a pretty awesome story. He's from Pasadena, just like Van Halen. He said when his friend was 18, they had VH play in his basement, and charged people $3 to get in. The band were all about 15 at this time. David Lee Roth's dad came to pick him up and said, "Hey I caught about the last two songs. You guys sounded pretty good. You might go somewhere someday." Imagine that. Sure, it could be some old guy's rambling bullshit, but it could be true. Either way, it's a pretty awesome story. But the one I'll never forget, is when they took a small break, the lights turned off, then a single spotlight was shone on Dave with an acoustic guitar sitting center stage on a stool. Shawn and I looked at each other and at the same time said, "Ice Cream Man." But before he started playing, he started talking, and it's one of the best stories I've ever heard. He said something along the lines of he had a friend that drove an ice cream truck, and every Friday Night they would drive it into someone's backyard and throw away all the remaining ice cream, and fill the freezers with beer for the night's party. The crowd cheered and whistled and everything. Then he got more serious with the story, and I'll never forget this. "One of these nights, and I can remember this night like it were yesterday, there were about 8 of us sitting in a basement at a friend's house, passing joints both directions. And there was this really cute girl there I wanted to notice me. She said something mildly funny and I laughed really hard at it to get her attention. Well, I laughed a little too hard at her, and it probably seemed like I was trying to be rude and laughing at her and not with her. So she threw a bottle cap at me and caught me in the shoulder with the sharp end and it left a little mark. I looked at it and said, 'OW.' And she looked right at me and said, 'What's the matter, Roth, you a girl?'" He paused for a second, then looked up, "I spent the next 3 1/2 years of my life with that girl."

I will never forget that story. It got me thinking so much. All those little things you do or don't do that make those huge differences. And there are a lot of little things that had I not done, I wouldn't have certain friends in my life, and I wouldn't have the life I have. If David Lee Roth hadn't tried to impress this girl however many years ago and gotten a bottle cap thrown at him, he might not be the famous David Lee Roth of the famous Van Halen. There's just no denying that possibility. I don't have any friends that I've had since kindergarten or anything like that. Arroyo is where it started for me because I moved from across the bay. But I'm just so thankful to have all the awesome friends that I have in my life. I would not be where I am or who I am without them. I share something special with each and every one of them. I have jokes with each that no one else would understand. And jokes that no one else would even laugh at if they did understand. Things that only certain ones of us will say or do to each other. I could pick out each one of their laughs in crowded room. I cherish every time I've been able to greet each of them with a hug or handshake. I have a family. A huge, caring family by self-proclamation. I have an army that would go to war for me if I ever needed it. I have a special place for every one of them in my heart. And I can't imagine it any other way.

...They encored to Jump, and shot out like 80 tons of confetti as they jumped to the final notes. I can't imagine a better birthday present or a much better memory with some of my favorite people in the world.

I met up with my dad a few weeks after my birthday for him to take me to dinner. I was excited to see him, but had high hopes it wouldn't be like the last time I'd seen him, and high fears that it would be. I drove out to where he and Norma live now in Pacifica. They're renting a very, very tiny bedroom in the back of someone's house. Back, as in they go through the backyard. It has a bathroom and kitchen and all, but it's all super tiny and they have stuff everywhere. Cool for a single bachelor or something, but not a married couple. It was freezing but gorgeous out. Over the back fence was nothing but ocean, so that was pretty awesome. My dad had me park where their car was so they could save the spot, and me drive them for whatever reason. He directed me and had me pull into a shopping center and stop and he got out. I wasn't really paying attention. Then Norma started talking and telling me what he was doing and what he'd been like lately. He had me drive him to a fucking liquor store. She said he'd be up drinking all night and sleeping all day. Well what the fuck do you want me to do about it? You married the guy. He got back after what seemed like probably 10 minutes with 2 huge bags. Norma asked if it was a weeks' supply or the night. I wished we were in separate cars right then so I could leave. He said sorry I had to be there for that, and that some of it was for someone else he owed or something. I just turned on the radio and tried not to think about it. You're not sorry. If you were sorry and you knew it bothered me you wouldn't have done it. Of course I didn't say this. I never do. I really want him to know how I feel, but I really don't want him to feel worse than I'm sure he already does. It's just kind of one of those things. So we went to Outback. There was a long wait, so we waited at the bar, where he ordered himself drinks. He turned and asked if I mind, to which I didn't even say anything, as I remember it. We got our table and ordered food and he ordered more drinks. I was definitely not comfortable anymore. I wanted to get out of there. I text Juli something like "Dad's drinking. I don't want to be here. I don't know how much more of this I can take." No response from her. He asked if I wanted whatever fish special they had and I just looked at him. He couldn't be serious. Well, at least I hoped. But no. We went through that same "you're allergic to fish?" bit again. I'm almost wondering if he's coming down with Alzheimer's, which would scare the shit out of me even worse to think it runs in the family. As the night went on I calmed down some and we had a nice dinner. He gave me a $400 check for bday/xmas. He said it was also to make up for other years of nothing. I didn't care. I mean of course I was glad to receive money that would help out, but I didn't care about him giving me anything. He'd insisted before I went out there that he wanted it to be a time when he could give me my present. I guess maybe it's how he tries to feel better and think he did something for me. I never wanted gifts from him. They're pretty much bribes as far as I'm concerned. That's something I couldn't ever get him to understand. Presence, not presents. I wanted my father in my life. Without the alcohol. And this night I wanted my sister to text me back and make everything better. To tell me that everything was going to be ok. I feel like my best friend is fading away from me. She's doing great and she has a good job and boyfriend and everything's going great for her, but recently I've almost been feeling like if I didn't call her I'd never see her again. Everyone always asks where she is at parties and stuff. And at Van Halen she was asking Shawn and Jill questions like she'd been in a coma and hadn't had human contact for the past 6 years. Well, it's definitely gotten better since that dinner. She's called me a few times in the past few weeks to invite me over for dinner and a movie. So those have been nice. I guess it's just still something to get used to because it was "this is frankie, ok now we're moved in together with his 2 kids" as opposed to the normal "here's this guy i'm dating for a while and we'll all get to know him together" kind of stuff. But not bothering me like dad. The moral of the story is that I absolutely did not want to be there while he was drinking. I've gotten better with it as a whole. I'm ok now being around friends drinking, while I definitely did not used to be. I don't mind so much that my sister drinks once in a while, but hearing her say something like "I'm gonna get fucked up" will definitely bother me. I think I could now handle a girlfriend that drinks occasionally. No way of knowing yet for sure. That's just me. That's just who I am. Probably who I'm always going to be. I wouldn't be me without growing up with an alcoholic father. I wouldn't be me without him throwing me threw the car window as a 2 year-old sticking up for my mother. I wouldn't be me without him letting me drink motor oil from an orange juice jug in his backseat and throwing up my french fries and getting yelled at for making a mess as a 6 year-old who wanted and thought he found some orange juice. I wouldn't be me without going to the cabin with him for xmas and him not bringing us anything as a 9 year-old who thought Santa hated him. I wouldn't be me without growing up most of my life and knowing I don't want alcohol to be a part of mine. I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be who I am today without hating who he is today. I love him. But I hate him.

First off, snowboarding last Wednesday was fucking amazing. It was the most unprepared, and amazing trip ever. Thought I knew where my roof rack was, I didn't. Thought I knew where my chains were, I didn't. Thought I knew where my boots were, I didn't. Thankfully Matt still has Dirty's old boots and they fit me. Sergio stayed the night here, then Jon picked up Sean and Tristan in the morning and came over. Amazingly, we fit all 6 boards in Jon's trunk and half of his backseat. Who knew a Neon would fit so much? Chains were required around Sonora, so I just bought a set once we were almost there, and they were only 35 bucks. I was expecting more like double that. I used part of the $100 Visa I won at the xmas party for those, and one of the Shell cards for our gas the way up. I learned that going on a weekday is definitely the way to go. It was absolutely fucking empty, and it was great. I don't think we had to wait in a "line" more than 10 seconds anywhere, and that's assuming I mean one of the probably 3 or 4 times someone was actually in front of us. We had the place to ourselves and it was doper than fuck. They had 5 feet of powder the day before, so there was still a ton of untouched left. Everyone took turns getting stuck, but Sean got stuck as fuck. Like 45 minutes and us thinking he died stuck. We actually bought 6 different colors of gatorade to play king of the mountain so we could see where the wipe outs happened, but the day actually flew by so fast and we were having so much fun that before we knew it, it was 10 minutes til closing and only time for one more run. So we just got to the top and prepared. This girl took a few group shots for us and then we got ready for battle. Virtually everything I do is fun and I remember for the most part, but when you have the option of taking pictures or videos, it's like 44574954356465965096594650964350x more amazing. My mom got me 5 fucking years of insurance on my camera. I'll be 30 when that's up. As long as I don't lose or get it stolen I'm covered, so you better fucking believe I filmed a whole 10 minutes or so of us beating the shit out of each other going down the mountain. And it's one of the most amazing videos ever. And thankfully Sebastian told me about blip.tv to host it, which is free and unlimited file size. Tristan and Matt rode with me and we played the ipod game the whole trip. Since you have to use the new itunes on the new ipod, and you have to have windows xp for the new itunes, my out of date computer won't allow me to put music on. So I had to get everything from Matt, and all the hardcore and metal put the game in Matt and Tristan's realm pretty much the whole trip. I kept calling them metalheads and Matt totally called it that that LTJ song "All My Best Friends Are Metalheads" was going to come on, and it did. It was pretty funny. I got that point, though. So he actually destroyed me with a final score of 99 to like 88. I guess that's not that bad considering. Tristan was down at 50 or 60 something because he kept dicking around and yelling stupid shit, but it was pretty entertaining. Seb actually gave me xp last night so I'm about to upgrade my computer in a few hours and then next time we play, my awesome variety will make the game much more fair and fun. We found out the next day that Jon got a concussion. Not a terrible one because he was able to drive the whole way home and knew completely what was going on, but he was getting dizzy and tired and shit later so he got himself checked out. I was worried that he wouldn't want to do the same stuff next time, but like a total fucking savage immediately stated loud and proud, "I don't regret it all. I'd do it again tomorrow if it meant two more concussions." So tight.

Current mood: cheerful

Thursday, January 3, 2008

4:01AM - Hella 2001

Damn I love this song. I remember a few months ago driving with Tristan, Matt and Courtney. This came on and Tristan and Courtney started singing. It was awesome for other people to know and love such awesome music. Matt's too much of a metalhead to know pop punk, so he made up his own words, which was pretty funny. But nothing beats being with good company and singing at the top of your lungs with bright smiles. Spent most of today cleaning the fuck out of my room. Had a small bbq and played some Rock Band. Tired as fuuuuck. G'nite lj.

It's Friday night
What's going on tonight?
I'll see her later on tonight

But now it's time to roll
This somber state is getting old
Well I never do what I am told
So now we're gonna roll
And now we're gonna roll

With the top down seat back rollin' in my Cadillac
With the top down seat back rollin' in my Cadillac

We order another round
My girl's nowhere to be found
I hope she gets here soon before I'm fallin' down

Cause now I'm all torn up
I feel like I might throw up
Then I get word my girl's showin' up
So now I'm gonna roll
And now I'm gonna roll

With the top down seat back rollin' in my Cadillac
With the top down seat back rollin' in my Cadillac

With the top down seat back rollin' in my Cadillac
Self control knowing right from wrong is what I lack
Top down seat back
Rollin' in my Cadillac

Top down seat back wi wi wi wi with the
Top down seat back wi wi wi wi wi with the
Top down seat back top down seat back top down seat back
Rollin' in my Cadillac

Rollin' in my Cadillac
Top down seat back wi wi wi wi with the
Top down seat back seat back seat back
With the top down seat back wi wi wi wi wi with the
Top down seat back top down seat back

With the top down seat back rollin' in my Cadillac
Self control knowing right from wrong is what I lack
Top down seat back
Rollin' in my Cadillac
Top down seat back
Rollin' in my Cadillac
Top down seat back
Rollin' in my Cadillac

Current mood: tired

Monday, December 31, 2007

6:23PM - Wow

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sam
Date: Dec 28, 2007 9:23 PM

Hey I know you don't know me, and i don't know if you've heard anything about me, but I've heard a lot about you. To clarify things I am Candaces boyfriend...her current one, i know she has a had a lot. Anyways the purpose of this message is regaurding somethings that Candace did when she was dating you, things that i have a problem with, things that make me not trust her even though I've been dating her for almost 8 months now. These are things that she never told you, things that she kept from you. While she was dating you she had sex with a guy named Mark multiple times, he is actually one of your friends here on myspace. She told you she only made out with him once but that was a lie. She also fooled around with her friend Megan's cousin. The third person that she cheated on you with was a guy named Jason who she latered dated. The reason why I am telling you these things is not to hurt or upset you although I know it will because it would hurt and upset me. I believe what she did was beyond wrong and I also believe that her never telling you was wrong as well. I am telling you this because if I was in your place i would like to know. I would hate to think something of someone and think something of a relationship that was a lie. I hope my assumption is correct in thinking that you would like to know. Please write me back whenever you want. I also want you to know it took me a long time to decide to write this and it wasn't easy. I'm also not going to tell you not to contact Candace, if you want to I think you should! It may end my relationship, that is if I haven't ended already.

wow. well, first off i'd just like to say thank you. i think this is a really noble thing for you to do. i'm a little tired and things might come out a little organized or in strange ways because i haven't talked about it in a while, but i truly thank you for taking the time to write me. i guess i can't say that i'm mad or even all that surprised unfortunately. i'd had plenty of doubts for plenty of reasons. i don't know how much she's told you about me, but i kind of put all my eggs in one basket with her. i wasn't raised with these ideals or anything, but at some point i'd decided that i wanted to save sex for when i was in love. so at the tender young age of 22 years, 9 months, 1 week and 3 days haha, i lost my virginity to candy on our 3 months. it was a very emotional thing for me. i honestly don't remember, but i think i might've shed a few tears. the very next weekend she and her sisters went with their dad to so cal to check out schools, and she told me while she was down there that she wanted to go to one of them. that upset me a bit. not that she wanted to go somewhere far, i told her that if she was majoring in something where the best program was in alaska, then i wanted her in alaska; but that she wanted to go somewhere down there because it was pretty and to get away from her family. so it was like my emotions were kind of peaked at happiness that weekend, and then scared of making a big spike downward very shortly. not that that's something that happens with me, i'm a very happy and optimistic person, but at that time i was experiencing a ton of new things. she also kept texting while she was down there stuff to the affect of "are you sure you love me? i just don't want you to one day say i don't know what i was thinking and realize you can do so much better.." stuff that someone considering them self in love doesn't really enjoy hearing. there were a lot of reasons for me to end it at many points, but i kept telling myself that i could fix it and that i never gave up on anything else and there was no reason to start at that point. i was thinking the whole "love will conquer all" stuff
...so i started this the night i read it, and been a little busy since and trying to think of what all i want to tell you. and i've decided it might be best to just put it all out there. maybe there will be some things you didn't really care to know, but you took a chance on me and you seem like an above understanding guy, so i'm gonna go for it. i sincerely apologize if anything is too much or things you didn't want to hear, but i also think this will help us understand things a little better still. so i guess here goes. i don't know how much you heard about chris, her sister jessica's ex that introduced us. we wrestled together at chabot and then worked together at fedex, and then ended up some classes together, so we got kinda close pretty fast. he kept telling me about his girlfriends sister that was going to be single soon because her boyfriend was joining the marines. i honestly just pretty much let him talk and wasn't interested. she was 17 and i was almost 22. but still at some point the 4 of us went snowboarding. no. wait. chris and i went up and met candace and jess and their stepmom karen and sister tori. so we met and hung out a little bit and flirted and whatever. then some time a few weeks or so later we went as a group of 5. the 4 of us and candace's sort of boyfriend nick. they were like at the broken up but still trying to be friends and seeing where it takes them or whatever stage. i had a blast boarding and getting to know everyone better. nick was under a lot of stress, understandably, and being a prick to candy most of the day. jess and chris told me to flirt with candy a lot to make nick jealous and make Candace feel better. i'm pretty good at that, so i did it. then i did my usual ignoring tactic and spent the whole ride home talking and flirting with jess. everything candace said, i all but said "yeah that's nice, now shut up." i literally gave her as few words as possible. but i knew what i was doing. pretty girls are used to attention. when you give them that attention they're used to, you're just another of the many. nothing special. to stand out, you have to be that one that's not interested, that one that they can't understand. and in turn, it's going to drive them nuts and make them pursue you.
chris seemed set on us being able to work out really well together, and i valued his opinion, so i planted my seeds. if i didn't want to try, i would've talked to her the whole ride home. well, needless to say, it worked and she was talking and asking about me non-stop for the next few weeks. i talked to her occasionally for a while and then we started hanging out frequently. but i'll never forget, the first night i really talked to her on the phone, for more than just a few quick minutes, about real stuff, it was 6 hours long. everything under the sun was brought up. i think i decided then that i liked her. one of the things i was happiest about was that she didn't drink. she said she tried it a few times and decided it wasn't for her and moved on. my real dad is a major alcoholic. my mom left him when i was 8. i think i drank once on my own when i was 14 by just gathering up a bunch of little sips of whatever i could find in the house so no one would notice. i walked around and got a little dizzy, but really it was stupid as hell do to, especially by myself. since then i've had a shot once in a blue moon to stay warm, or a sip to see what something tastes like, but i'm strictly a non-drinker. i don't like seeing my friends or family doing it, and no one's ever going to convince me to. so of course, hearing Candace didn't drink, i was ecstatic. so we started hanging out more, they had the sweet 16 party where we were half stuck together all night, and the next weekend i asked her out officially. the weekend after that, one of my best friends’ girlfriends was having a birthday party. i thought of it as the perfect opportunity for everyone to meet each other. i was at the party having a great time when chris called. the plan was for him to get candy and head our way then call when they exited to get directions. so he calls and says they're stopping at a gas station to get her some water and tells me not to freak out but she drank and she had a little more than she should've. so i was shocked because i thought she didn't drink, and i was pissed because she told me she didn't, and she was about to show up to meet all my best friends, after i told them all how great she was for me, at a 17 year-olds birthday party, whose dad is a cop, drunk. there was a long gap before they actually got there, like 30 minutes longer than needed from where they were. i assumed it was for her to sober up some. i saw them coming down the street and walked toward where they were parking. they hadn't seen me yet. as i got closer i saw candace laugh and stumble out of the front seat. i thought about ending it right then and there, just a few hours short of exactly 1 week in. i was lied to. and i wasn't lied to about yes i like your shirt or no i've never played spin the bottle, i was lied to about one of the most important things to me. i had a lot to think about. i was mad at chris too because i knew he had supplied it. she said something about how she was scared i was going to break up with her and how she hoped not because she really liked me. and the first of many many times, i was way too nice and let it go pretty damn easily. i gave her a hug and took her hand and lead her into the party. i introduced her to everyone and they all seemed to get along. somehow her making out with the birthday girl came up, candy said she was down and monique said with no hesitation, "she's hot, let's do it." of course everyone was excited but i didn't think she really was interested in doing such a thing and it was only to try to win me back. i didn't want her doing it like that, so i quickly said goodbye and just pulled her away. she had a curfew and i wanted to get some 1 on 1 time with her still. we were both kind of quiet. we went for a walk on this trail by the marina near me. it was mostly me talking, and mostly kind of down to her. i didn't really mean to, i really just wanted to drill in how important it was to me that she didn't drink and how hurt i was by it. i took her home and the next day we hung out again and she told me how she only drank because she liked me so much that she didn't want to mess anything up and was nervous about meeting my friends, so it was just a little bit to loosen up. i appreciated that it was because she liked me and everything, but still didn't like it. she also told me chris had been acting inappropriate with her in the car. i don't remember all of it, but it was like him grabbing her or something and acting like he was just playing around but making her feel totally uncomfortable. i wasn't really sure what to do about that, and i honestly don't remember what i did. i think she had wanted me to pretend nothing happened and not confront him. At about 2 months, we were messing around on her bed when a tear leaked down the side of her face. I went up to comfort her and find out what was wrong. She said the words “I think I love you.” I told her I loved her back and thought I did for some time and she hit me and asked why I didn’t tell her before. I said I’d wanted to wait til I knew and that seemed like as good a time as any. It put me in a super good mood, and then she told me she had to tell me something else. She told me she kissed that friend marc a few weeks into us dating because she didn’t know which one of us she liked more and was sorry and said she told him she wanted to drop everything with him because she was falling for me. So considering the circumstances, I pretty much didn’t give it a second thought. I had had a lot of almost girlfriends, but only one other real girlfriend, and that was when I was 16. she told me she loved me after about 3 weeks, and I didn’t know any better and said it right back, so this kind of thing was still a brand new experience for me. some time some months later, candace was at a party they threw for their friend megan. i don't know how much you know about her, but she was an absolute bitch to me for no reason other than jealousy, which she would never admit to. just to help illustrate, it was actually my money that made the purchases for everything for that party and joan paid me back. megan still didn't give a shit. You can ask anyone, I’m pretty much going to be described as the nicest most understanding and easy-going guy you’ll ever meet, and that if you can’t get along with me you’re probably a real piece of shit. so anyway this party was on a friday night. chris and i worked m-f 10pm til around 230 or 3am at fedex. he decided to call in sick and stay at the party, while i went to work. i didn't really think anything of it. when i got back to my car i had some missed calls from candy and voicemails. i called her and found out she left megans and was staying the night at chris's and wanted me to join. chris told me to call when i got there and he'd let me in. so i did, and walked in his bedroom to find candy in his bed in a pink thong and t-shirt, and chris had made himself up on the couch in his room. I wasn’t too happy about her wearing that in his bed, but I climbed in there with her. then I found out she’d drank some that night too. Then I was mad. I rolled over and faced away from her and she started crying. And just like how a toddler makes you feel sorry for them with their tears, I rolled back and put my arm around her to comfort her. We started making out and touching. This may be one of those things you don’t really want to hear, so I’m sorry. She was on her period so she put my dick in her ass a little bit. Of course I loved it and wasn’t thinking about much else anymore. She asked if I wanted to go to the bathroom and try it so we didn’t wake chris. I said yeah and she said “we need lube, top drawer.” Still I wasn’t thinking about anything except how excited I was to try this, so I slid open chris’s top drawer and found some and to the bathroom we went and had an ass blasting good time (haha sorry). Just like you, I didn’t add this part to hurt or upset you, but think about it. It’s something I was too stupid to think about until later, but why in the fuck did she know where lube was kept in sister’s boyfriend’s room? Why did I have to call chris when i got there instead of him just leaving the front door unlocked like he usually did for me? And why the fuck would she go to spend the night at his house after how he was before, and why would she drink with him after how he was before? Shit just didn’t add up. But the next day she also told me he was acting inappropriate again, kept pulling the blanket off her to see her thong and make comments, etc. Again I didn’t know what to do, and I was mad at her about everything as well. She swore the only reason she went to sleep there was because chris said they could call me and see if I could come stay too, otherwise she would’ve gone home. I guess I believed her and let things go way too easily again, but I was definitely mad at chris. He also decided it was a good idea to tell jess about her staying the night so that she didn’t suspect anything or something like that. Personally, I’m not saying it’s one of those things where what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her, but it was obviously something that was only going to cause problems. Something he didn’t really have to tell her because, well, according to them, all that had happened was she spent the night. So jess and Ashley were pissed at candy, candy and I were pissed at chris, it was a bunch of unneeded drama. I didn’t talk to chris for a while and he tried to talk to me at work, I got in his face and told him I didn’t wanna talk to him anywhere I couldn’t hit him, and if he really wanted to talk we could meet at park somewhere, but that I’ve never gone to a park to just talk to someone. Our co-workers broke us up. We made up at some point a few weeks later. Jess and chris were having their own problems for whatever reason a few months later. Right before 5 months of us dating, truth started coming out about that first weekend where she drank for some reason. Candace and I were on the way to my sisters’ dance recital. One of my friends from work met us there because he danced and wanted to see my sister’s hip hop routine. I turned to him and whispered “blood, imma beat chris’ ass Monday.” Yeah, I talk kinda ghetto when I’m really mad. then I filled him in on what candy had told me. It took a while and I got bits and pieces from each of them. She had been saying it made her uncomfortable to hang out with chris any time now and that more had happened then I was told. She said he got the alcohol for her at her request and when he did he said something like “well I did something for you, now you have to do something for me” and parked somewhere and started trying to touch her. The dance and this talk was on a Saturday. Candace called me after I dropped her off. Jess wanted to talk to me. She said we’re friends and I shouldn’t be doing anything stupid and that if those were my intentions then by those rights she should beat up her sister, too. I told her to do things whatever way she wanted and that I was fine with the way I was doing mine. I called Chris on Sunday when I was in his front of his house and he didn’t answer. His car was there, so he knew what was up. I talked to him that night and he said she was lying, I asked why she would lie about this, he said he didn’t know. He called me late Sunday night when it was raining and decided to get tough and said why don’t I go over there now or something. I told him I had better things to do and I’ll get him tomorrow. We both used to park across the street from Chabot in the residential area. I arrived early and waited for him. When I saw him pull in I took out my earrings and my sweatshirt and started walking toward him. You could see the fear in his eyes. I was still about 50 feet away when he got out of his car and I yelled for him to take his glasses off. He wouldn’t do it. I was about to hit him in the stomach when he started talking. I am a pretty damn hard guy to piss off, and very understanding. So when he didn’t take off his glasses and I didn’t hit him, I started to calm down and let him talk. Something told me to just go ahead and hit him and not regret not having hit him, but something else told me not to. And I am a pretty mature guy in that sense. I don’t usually solve my problems with my fists. I don’t typically back down from one but I’m pretty good at it and enjoy a fight once in a while, but I am well aware of the fact that it really doesn’t solve anything very often. But sometimes it just feels really good at the time. So I backed off and let him talk. He bullshitted some and added to his side of the story that Candace was all over him that night and that she climbed in his backseat and took off her clothes and was trying to pull chris back there and kept on grabbing at him and shit. This is kind of something I’m adding for me, but I need to point out that I have over 22,000 songs on itunes, and it always plays something extremely relevant to what I’m writing or thinking. Right now it’s playing “as we speak” by the ataris, and one of the things he says is “…but I know I will go far, I know I will go far enough to tell you that I love but I know I’m stupid, just because I run right back to you. I got your letters yesterday but I do have a thing to say so I'll nail ‘em to my wall and just pretend they'll go away! I don't wanna love you, but it's something that I love to do.” That almost explained our relationship as a whole at some points. Another thing that played, actually 2 of them, I don’t know if she told you about the cd’s I made her for 6 months of songs that reminded me of her and before each song was a voice track from me saying why I put the song on there. Well, out of 22,000 songs on my computer, 2 of those have played since starting to write you back. Ok sorry, anyway chris told me his version, then I text candy as I was walking to class that I talked to chris and he told me everything so she better spill it right now or we’re over. She text back about half hour later that she was sorry and she loved me and that chris had done everything she said, and also pulled his dick out and asked who’s was bigger, and that she had put her hand around it, then realized what she was doing and pulled away and started crying and telling chris she just wanted to go to the party. The blood shot to my head so fast I thought I was going to pass out. I whipped around and glared at chris, who normally would’ve been sitting next to me and probably caught an elbow to the nose, but was smart enough to sit a few rows back that day. He looked down and to the side. I kept looking. He checked once or twice quickly and looked back down when he saw I was still dead locked on him, and probably saw my clenched fist and white knuckles also. I guess he slipped out the back door of the class at some point, because I didn’t look at him anymore. I was just going to beat the shit out of him across the street when class got out, but when I turned around to stretch on the chair, he was gone and there was still at least 20 minutes of class left. I definitely put far more blame on him than I did her. Which I know wasn’t right, but I kind of looked at it like why should she lie now? Shes already exposed, if anything, she thinks chris already told me everything and now shes going to fill in all the blanks in hopes that I’d forgive her. I looked at them both as wrong, of course what the hell kind of girlfriend makes an offer to your friend, but what the hell kind of friend accepts? I also gave her far too much leeway for having drank that night. So this was all right before we hit 5 months. I don’t know if she told you about the patience poem, but it was this idea I came up with to make her like flowers again because every time she and nick would fight, he would just buy a random bouquet of flowers and leave them on her porch. So she began to hate flowers. I decided that I would give her the number of roses of months we were dating, with the same number of lines from a poem I was writing her as it went on, and I would always make a new creative and fun way of presenting it each time. So for 5, I took a suggestion from my friend about writing in sidewalk chalk all over in front of her house. I went Friday night after work and spent several hours drawing and writing everywhere. I made puzzles and games, doodles and fill in the blank stories, lyrics from songs that reminded me of her, all kinds of things. I chose 5 different brightly colored roses and stuck each in the edge of the lawn with the poem piece wrapped around the stem, and left 2 disposable cameras on the porch for her. Actually the cops came before I was done and said a neighbor had called and said I looked suspicious or something. They rang the doorbell and joan answered and confirmed that I was her daughter’s boyfriend and not some stalker and that I wasn’t hurting anything and free to continue. She woke Candace up early that morning and told her she should go look outside. I wasn’t planning on still being there, but since I was I emerged after I let her explore her driveway and street some, hugged and kissed her, and pretty much without verbally saying it, she knew she was forgiven. So once again, I had let everything slide way too easily. I didn’t harp on her, I didn’t set any conditions or hold anything above her about it, I simply forgave and told her I would always love her. I kind of felt like if I made her realize how much I cared she would realize how much she didn’t want to lose me and start doing everything right. For the most part everything was pretty good from that point on for a while. Some time around 10 or 11 months, the “making out” with marc happened at a party with her co-workers. At this point Jessica and chris had broken up, and she was dating a new guy named Jason, not the guy candy dated. He and I were friends and talked about our drama with the girls and helped each other out sometimes. He told me Jess had told him that she worried about how good of friends candy and chris were sometimes, and even had suspicions that something had happened between them once or twice while jess was in the shower. Jess and Jason fought all the time and didn’t really seem to be all that happy, and something had happened at his house one time that scared the shit out of her. It was something like they were fighting and she went to leave and he grabbed her and threw her back in the house and she had bruises on her wrists and stuff. jess wasn’t going to tell her mom because she knew she would call the police and forbid her from seeing him anymore, so Candace said she was going to tell her mom, and jess somehow knew about what happened at the party, and said if you tell mom then I’m going to tell aaron. I’m glad she cared enough about her sister’s health and well-being to put her relationship on the line, but there shouldn’t have been anything for jess to counter with like that. So another fucked up sneaking around thing she did, and something I wouldn’t have ever known about if jess and Jason hadn’t been in such a situation. We came closer to breaking up that time than we ever had before, but really not close enough. I still wasn’t mean enough. It seems like something I really just don’t have in me. I look for the good in everyone and the positives in the shittiest of situations. Her family was hard on her and were treating her like shit for a few days. She told her mom she loved me and was sorry and didn’t know what to do and her mom said no she didn’t. “if you loved him, you wouldn’t have done that.” Jess told me candy didn’t deserve me and I could do better. All Candace had really said was she did it “because he was there.” I didn’t really know what that meant. That she wanted to make out and there was someone that would make out with her? If she wanted to suck a dick she would’ve looked for one? of course these are things that never actually left my mouth. Instead I said some lame bullshit about how I love her and she broke my heart. I went over to talk to her in person and it pretty much just ended up as make up sex in my car in the rain. And because I’m an idiot, I accepted everything she told me and forgave. We actually only ended up breaking up over our different views and plans on life and her going to away to school up there. I didn’t really think we needed to over that, but she didn’t know how things were going to work. At first I wanted to get back together and made it clear all the time. After a few months we both traded places. She said I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she wanted me back, I had decided that all the time away from her to think about all the wrong she’d ever done me and all I’d never done her was good enough reason to do myself better. Some time later in the year, maybe 9 months after we broke up I decided I still loved her and that we could put everything behind us and try again. Believe me if someone had sent me this message before I never would’ve thought a millisecond about it. But so we tried a little bit and it just didn’t feel the same to me; didn’t feel right. She called and told me she was going to end it so that I couldn’t hurt her anymore, and I was pretty much ok with that. I never wanted to hurt her feelings at all, but it certainly wasn’t my fault it didn’t feel right to me.
Sorry to give you such an essay. I think I only have a few things left. I kind of tried to focus on our relationship right there for the most part. Plenty of other stuff happened in between. Her friend Jason, as far as I knew, I was cool with the guy. I can’t hold a whole lot against him. She was a good friend of his and hot as hell. He also got a handjob from that fat bitch megan, so if you can’t keep it in your pants for that, I really can’t expect you to keep it in for candy. And if the cousin of megan’s is who I’m thinking of, that’s who jess took to her winterball, and also liked. So that’d be at least a 2nd guy of her sister’s something happened with that shouldn’t have. Summed up, she was a pretty cool girlfriend sometimes. She was immature, she was selfish, she was insecure and she was jealous. Her problems were always more important than mine. She would get mad about me having friends that were female, including online. She thought any girl that talked to me was hitting on me. It was flattering for her to tell me things like all the cheerleaders told her I’m hot, but she would get mad at me for appreciating it. She got mad if I didn’t call when I was out with my friends. I made it very clear that there aren’t any universal rules I had to follow other than not cheating and that I was not her property. “I have been a son, a brother, and a friend far longer than I have been a boyfriend.” I also immediately told her how I’ve always felt about jealousy and insecurity. I know it’s a fact of life that it happens and that people are going to be wary about their future relationships after it’s happened to them before, much like you probably are now. The simple fact of life is that if you weren’t there, you really don’t know what happened. And it is possible for someone to cheat on you 100% of the 90% of the time they’re not with you. And it’s something you have to be comfortable knowing if you’re going to be in a relationship. Trust and their own honesty and integrity is obviously all you have. The way I feel about jealousy is that if they think they can’t trust you, they are directly telling you not to trust them. Candace getting mad and being jealous of me hanging out with other girls was her telling me I shouldn’t trust her because she knows what she would do if she were in my shoes, if she were to hang out with some guys and had the possibility of cheating without getting caught, she would take it. Well, turns out my instincts were right on that. But I was a fool and didn’t listen to them. I kept thinking I could make it work. I thought getting to that one year mark would change so many things. Have you ever seen a Bronx tale? That part where the older brother explains that when he goes to pick the girl up to lock both doors, walk her over to her door and let her in and close it then walk around the back and look through the rear window to see if she unlocks your door. And if she doesn’t, to dump her right then, because “it means she’s a selfish broad and all you’re seeing is the tip of the ice berg. You dump her and you dump her fast.” Well candy failed that test the first time. I think I played the ataris song “your boyfriend sucks” which has the audio clip of that in the middle, and then she caught on. I think the only thing I ever think sorrowfully for myself about any of this is that we didn’t work out, in the sense that I wanted so bad to last with one girlfriend for a very long time. I got along amazingly with all of her friends and family, sans megan, and like to think once in a while they think of me and hope I’m doing well and wish things had worked out for us, because I know I do of them. And I’d wanted to stay friends with her, but I know it’s way harder on her than it is on me. I’m not conceited in the slightest, but I know that I am an amazing person in all respects. I’m sure she still beats herself up over how bad she fucked up, too. By no means was any of this to try to convince you to break up with her, I just thought you might also want to know, but I’m sure you have your doubts, and I don’t blame you. Part of me wants to call and just say a few words, but most of me doesn’t think she deserves to ever hear my voice again. I mean, there only a few possible reasons one’s own sister would say “she doesn’t deserve you, and you can do so much better.” Either she’s a sick twisted bitch and wants you for herself, or she is a good person and genuinely means well and wants to help you. I do believe people grow and change, but she did a lot more fucked up shit than I knew about, and beyond what I knew, she didn’t change a bit. I honestly hope for the best for you both, either together or individually. I think from just this alone you’re a stand up guy who will do great things and deserves only the best. Don’t let her use depression or alcohol as any excuses for anything she does wrong. Everyone deserves happiness, and everyone has to own up to what they did themselves. Sorry if anything was too much, i'm sure i missed plenty, but I hope it helped and feel free to write me back or even call with anything else you’d like to know 510 798 5082. oh and I also more than invite you to read my livejournal. There’s a link for it in the general section of myspace. It’s had some large gaps, but there’s plenty of talk about Candace in there also. You’ll probably want do the ctrl+ f thing and look for candy or Candace, otherwise you might be searching a while. Again thanks a lot for manning up and doing this. Hope I don’t ruin your new years.

All my best,

Current mood: calm

Saturday, December 29, 2007

2:46AM - WOW

I finished that last update a little abruptly. Had other things I wanted to write about. Lot of other things. But then I got a message on myspace.

in regards to Candace...

Hey I know you don't know me, and i don't know if you've heard anything about me, but I've heard a lot about you. To clarify things I am Candaces boyfriend...her current one, i know she has a had a lot. Anyways the purpose of this message is regaurding somethings that Candace did when she was dating you, things that i have a problem with, things that make me not trust her even though I've been dating her for almost 8 months now. These are things that she never told you, things that she kept from you. While she was dating you she had sex with a guy named Mark multiple times, he is actually one of your friends here on myspace. She told you she only made out with him once but that was a lie. She also fooled around with her friend Megan's cousin. The third person that she cheated on you with was a guy named Jason who she latered dated. The reason why I am telling you these things is not to hurt or upset you although I know it will because it would hurt and upset me. I believe what she did was beyond wrong and I also believe that her never telling you was wrong as well. I am telling you this because if I was in your place i would like to know. I would hate to think something of someone and think something of a relationship that was a lie. I hope my assumption is correct in thinking that you would like to know. Please write me back whenever you want. I also want you to know it took me a long time to decide to write this and it wasn't easy. I'm also not going to tell you not to contact Candace, if you want to I think you should! It may end my relationship, that is if I haven't ended already.

Fuckin' weird. I don't really know what to think. I started writing the guy back, but I'm tired now and want to collect my thoughts more. I definitely do appreciate him writing me, and can honestly say I'm not bothered to know these things. I'd had doubts and assumptions a plenty, I really feel more sorry for her for the fact that she fucked up big, probably beats herself up over it, and is probably going to continue to do so. Oh well. Makes me feel like that much better of a person because I know such things never even crossed my mind. So time to try sleeping.

Current mood: weird

2:41AM - fuck em

Last Saturday night we were all done with everything at work way early. I had plans to meet up with old co-workers from fedex at dave and busters. We were really all done. And there was another guy with me that said he could do the nothing that was left by himself. And my supervisor said the whole half of the store looks great and has no problem with me leaving. So I very politely tell the manager about it and say that I have some friends up from So Cal that I don't get to see very often (just to make my reason a little more convincing), and asked if I could cut out a little early. He thought for half a second and said, "Mmm..no, I'm not letting anyone go." So I left anyway. Had a blast with the small amount that showed up.

A few nights later I woke up on mom's couch to some movie with Cameron Diaz telling her driver to turn around, then jumping out and running the rest of the way through the snow in her nice clothes when he wasn't driving fast enough for her. I didn't understand what was going on, but it was kind of inspiring. I'm not sure what it was supposed to inspire me to do, but it did something. Maybe it was to fall in love and turn around and go running back when I realized I made some awful mistake. I don't think so. Cuz I don't really think I make those kind of mistakes. Actually I kinda don't think I make any mistakes. Because you really can't make up for anything. If it's done, it's done. It's not being changed. You can apologize to a friend or exchange a gift, but it doesn't change that it happened. If you take the time to change something, that's time spent not doing something else that would have been. No mistakes. No regrets.

I got called into that manager's office the day after I insubordinately walked out. I knew what I was doing and I knew why I was doing it. And it was for far more than to get out early and see my friends. I've been way too comfortable at Home Depot. I hate that job. I like my co-workers, but the management and the way the place is run is seriously a joke. They expect way too much out of you, and don't give you anything for it. I'm really not a complainer. I do enjoy working hard and seeing the finished result. I do take pride in doing a good job and having someone to be thankful for it. I like being thought of as dependable and knowledgeable in my operation. Shit, I was put in charge of people that had been there 5+ years after less than 6 months at Fedex. I loved being able to say that I learned and worked hard enough to be at that level so fast. I was their top employee in that area in all aspects, and everyone said it was me, hands down. I liked getting stuff done for my manager at that place because he was cool to us and told us he appreciated things we did. But this manager, really all the managers except for one pretty much being pricks all the time, well, they don't really inspire me to want to do a whole lot for them. I work hard now to keep heat off my supervisor and make it so he doesn't have to do everything, because ultimately he's going to be held responsible. So I've tried for a while to get in SOME kind of trouble there. It just wouldn't happen. I showed up late all the time. Sometimes hours. No one said anything. I call in sick for the fuck of it. No one says anything. My manager says something like, "Did Adam yell at you for leaving him all alone Saturday Night? He said he was going to." And I'll smart ass something back like, "No, Bill. He's like you, he knows better than to you yell at me." Or he'll stand there watching me work, and right in front of customers I'll put him down. "Hey Bill, you enjoyin' the show? You want a little popcorn? Maybe some soda pop? Some Mike n' Ikes tickle your fancy this afternoon? GO DO SOMETHIN' YA JACKASS." Still, amazingly enough, nothing. So when I took off against this manager's orders and got called in, he had this big thing printed up. Stated all the days I missed or was late. Stated what happened that night about how I took off after my request was denied. Explained how after 10 points in under 12 months you're supposed to be fired, and that I had 64 in the last 8, so averaging 8 per month, and if I'm late or miss anything else I'm gone. And he's telling me all this shit and trying to intimidate me or something. I just laughed. It really didn't help his cause that he has a fatty lisp and put me on "firthst and ffinal notith." He said if it were up to him today would be my last day. I smart assed back with, "Good thing it's not up to you then." He continued on with his spiel about how I have zero regard for the store and my co-workers and whatever else. When he was all done he asked if I had any questions or comments. "Yes, actually. I don't know what you want from me. I'm not going to kiss the ass of a guy I don't like for a job I don't like. I come in, I get shit done and I don't complain. This is not my career. I asked a question, you made a decision, I didn't like it and I made my own. Everything was done, the only thing I failed to do that night was collect 2 more hours on my paycheck. I've done you plenty of favors, you couldn't do one for me, that's fine, I did it for myself. Nothing personal."
"Ok, well I'll make note of it. Get back to work."
"Yeth thir," I grinned back.

A few weeks before that, I went in on a day off and worked in the tree lot. My plan was to call in sick Saturday and snowboard, which I'd asked for well enough in advance, and they didn't give to me, so I was making things happen for myself. I went in for lunch and my manager saw me. The conversation went something like:
What, did you move in or something?
Yeah Bill, I love this place so much I built a cabin in the corner of lumber, where I now reside. Forward my mail, would ya?
Yeah that's great, but seriously, what are you doing here, you're off today. Aren't you already scheduled 40 hours this week?
Yeah, if I go to all of them.
What's that supposed to mean? Which one are you knocking off?
No, you can't knock off Saturday, you're my closer Saturday.
I know, just like every other Saturday. And every other Friday. And every other Sunday. And well, see, when you have me do things like close 14 weekends in a row, and not honor the few requests I do make for things off, or even being off by certain times on the weekends, while you have people that don't get anything done for you off at decent times for them to still go out and enjoy their weekends, with their backs not hurting, and their sleep schedule not being affected, well, let's just say I'm not going to enjoy that thought so much. And if working hard for you doesn't get me anything but more responsibility and shittier shifts, and when I ask for a weekend well enough in advance to go snowboarding with my friends, my options become: coming here and doing a bunch of work without help, or enjoying the weekend with my friends.
Well c'mon man, you can't just decide when you're gonna work and when you're gonna blow somethin off. You gotta tell me when you're gettin screwed and i'll go to bat for ya.
Well, I've told you before and got no results, so I manifested my own destiny this time. It's nothing personal, I'm just finally starting to look out for myself like everyone else.

And at that he nodded and walked away. So I basically made him my bitch.

Everyone's so afraid of management at this place. I'm not in the slightest. My write up had nothing to do with my attendance. They don't give a shit about that until you piss them off. I understand they have to do something about me. I'm a rebel. I'm stirring up trouble. I make my own schedule when they dick me over on something I requested. I stick up for myself more than they like you to do at this place. I basically tell them to go fuck themselves while everyone else cowers like they're being forced at gunpoint. Fuck 'em. Use the place for nothing more than what it's good for. A paycheck. That's all it's worth. It's not worth a headache. It's not worth stress. It's not worth tears. And what's the worst thing they can do to me? They're not going to shoot me. They're not going to rape my family and burn down their house. The absolute worst thing they can do to me is fire me, and then I'm just going to collect unemployment. So fuck 'em. Let 'em do whatever gives 'em the biggest boner. I keep the place pissed off at me and myself skating on thin ice, I'll be that much happier to search for a better job. Something that requires you to show up on time be there everyday. Something that's going to help me be more responsible. If this were the place, I wouldn't want to do all of that for them. They don't deserve it out of me. And some might think I'm an ungrateful little bastard that needs to get his act together. That I should be thankful I have a job, and especially one that's put up with me through all this shit for this long. And maybe I should, but the truth is, you can't appreciate one thing without taking something else for granted. You can't fully appreciate one thing without neglecting something else, at least somewhat. There can't be anymore than 100% in probability, that's one thing I definitely learned in stats. If I gave this place my all, I wouldn't be fully appreciating that it really is a shitty job that I shouldn't take so seriously. I would be taking time with my friends for granted. I would be taking time with my family for granted. And it doesn't stop at work. If you're too focused on school, you're taking for granted the time you can just ride your bike with your best friend around town with no destination, just riding and talking and enjoying each others' company. If you're too focused on sports, you're taking for granted the time that you can just lounge and relax. Taking for granted the time where you can just go to your mom's and build a fire and lay on the couch watching cartoons with your little sister laying on you. Sure I could balance it all out, but I wouldn't trade anything for the times I've called in sick and did something else instead. I do need to really just start applying like nuts to other places. Too bad this is pretty much the absolute worst time of year to job hunt.

This came on while typing that last part up. Again pointing out how iTunes always comes through for me. But also emphasizing how much the money isn't what matters and just to enjoy the simpler things.
We live on front porches and swing life away
We get along just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor, I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

My dad took me to dinner a few weeks after my birthday.

eve 6
tree lot

this song came on and i liked this part.
Lipstick from a drunken kiss
Ice cream stains that now I miss

Current mood: got some other stuff to write

Friday, November 23, 2007

4:04AM - Because Pride Was Not Meant to be Swallowed

Most retarded rule ever: no shorts after daylight savings time. Fuck home depot and their retarded ass rules. I got warned about it by like 4 supervisors in one day. And I said, "Oh yeah, I musta forgot." Like I'm gonna listen to a retarded ass rule like that. Ever. So Douchebaggy McDoucherson aka HR manager Terry Williams sees me and calls me into his office. Well first he sees me eating lunch in the break room. And he's so retarded he actually asked if I was eating lunch. I pointed at the burrito in my hand and gave him a questioning look. He told me to see him after I was done. It went something like this:
"You wanted to see me, Sir?"
"What are you doing?"
"Why are you working like this?"
"Because this is how I work."
"What are you wearing?"
"Work clothes."
"Why are you working in them?"
"Because this is what I work in."
"Ugh, Aaron why are you wearing shorts? We've already been over this."
I rolled my eyes, "Terry, you and I both know that's a stupid rule. It's always been a stupid rule. It's always going to be a stupid rule."
"Stupid rule or not, it's company policy. We don't get to play favorites with which rules we're going to follow and which we're not. It's company wide, whether you're in Alaska or Tahiti, shorts are not allowed to be worn by any employee after daylight savings time. Get it?"
"Sure, I get it, but it's stupid. If I had pencil-pushing desk jockey job like you, I wouldn't have anything to complain about either, but I don't. I'm out there on the floor, lifting and sweating. Now don't get me wrong, I do like lifting and sweating. I like working hard and getting dirty and getting paid to get a work out. But we are not a warehouse of lawyers. We are not a place people expect to come to see perfectly clean workers in suits. If they do, they need to re-evaluate where they're shopping and bring their own people to lift and load everything for them. I probably do the equivalent of hand stacking 3 pallets of concrete a day, and I am not squatting 100 pound bags of concrete in pants. That's all there is to it. I need to be able to move to do a good job, my legs need to be able to breathe, and pants aren't going to make that work."
"Aaron, you have to start wearing pants. End of discussion."
"No, not end of discussion. We have a crappy ventilation system, which isn't even on half the time. If my body is all covered up, I'm sweating more. And if I'm sweating more, my pores are open more, which is more of that crap getting into my system. Ya know, I thought we were both beyond the high school cheerleader 'who's not wearing the coolest clothes' part of their lives, but I guess not. I don't see why wearing something that helps me do a better job for you should ever be an issue. My undergarments aren't showing, I highly doubt any customers mind that I'm helping them in shorts instead of pants, and the fact that we're even having this conversation is pretty ridiculous."
"Aaron, how many other people work here?"
"I don't know."
"About 166."
"Out of 166, why is there only 1 that fights the shorts rule? It seems everyone else can do their job in pants."
"I don't know, Terry. Maybe everyone else is afraid of you, unlike me, but this isn't about everyone else."
"You're right, it's about you. And what I'm hearing from you is that you don't agree with our company policies and you're going to refuse to cooperate."
"No, what you're hearing from me is that your company has stupid policies in effect that will keep hard workers from doing a good job for them. I already know that we're at half staff from what we typically are at this time of year. That means I already have to do more work than I normally would to make up for the lack of other employees. That, and your scheduling skills suck so bad that I'm constantly helping in other departments because you don't even have people over there. Would you like me to tell the customer 'I don't know, I don't work over there'? Every time you hire a lot attendant they end up on the cash registers because you don't schedule enough cashiers, so I'm constantly called up to go outside and do their jobs also."
"Aaron, this conversation is getting no where because you keep diverting from the subject at hand. You have to wear pants. Period."
"Ok, then I'll tell you what. If you make me work in pants, I'm not going to even try to do half the stuff I do now. I'm not going to go to areas I don't have to go to. I'm going to say, 'That's not my job.' I'm going to scrape by on the bare minimum. I'm going to walk around with my finger up my ass like half of my co-workers and accomplish zero of the days' tasks. And you can't hold anything against me for having been a hard worker before and not being one now. They clock in and leave and collect a paycheck without problem and I will now do the same. "
"Don't you think your supervisors will notice that you've changed and don't work hard anymore?"
"Of course, because they're used to me working hard, and getting everything done, just like they're used to the others walking around with a finger jammed up their ass and not doing anything. And they can't do anything about me not working if they're not going to do anything about the others not working. I would've thought not working at all, being the exact opposite of our main focus here, would get you in the most trouble, but what do I know about running a business? I guess working hard and having a minor dress code violation is worse."
"Aaron, this is going to be your one and only warning. My job is to ensure that all employees in this store are following company policies. If I see you in shorts again, I'm going to send you home to change. If you still come in wearing shorts after that, we're going to talk about whether or not you want to work here anymore."
"Terry, I'm not trying to lead the pants-less revolution here. I'm just trying to do an effective job. But that's fine, I said what I gotta say, now you go ahead and do whatever you gotta do. Have a nice day."
The look on his face was priceless. I turned around with a huge grin and walked away proud. Goddamn it feels good to speak your piece. Twenty years from now I'd much rather be able to say I said what I felt and no piss ant retard human resources manager ever scared me into compliance or took my voice away. Fuck that. I figure I keep them pissed off at me, keeps them annoying me, and makes me that much more determined to get the fuck outta there. I still wore shorts the next day. Didn't see that douchebag, though. I'll still wear them tomorrow, too. Maybe when I start wearing pants I'll roll the bottoms up to my knees so I can function like I'm still wearing shorts. Yeah, good idea, Aaron.

Current mood: proud

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

1:13PM - I'll Make My Stand, Right Here, With My Friends

We bonfired it up a few weeks ago. It was supposed to be more people but it was way last minute and a bunch of people flaked. Ward, Jeremy, Jill, DC, Little Danny and Jim went out way early because they didn't have anything to do, but they got to enjoy the sunset. They brought some wood of their own, too, so they were able to start without us. Matt changed his mind last minute so he could stay home and play scrabble. Yeah, scrabble, on a Saturday night, over a bonfire. Not only lame, but completely out of character. I think the main reason was because Courtney was over and she didn't really know all of them, which is nice of him, but she's also complaining about wanting to be everyone's friend, and not just "Matt's girlfriend." But something like that takes effort, and avoiding events isn't going to change that title any sooner. Jon has probably the coolest girlfriend ever. Nicole is all of our friends, not just "Jon's girlfriend." She calls us to hang out and visa versa. If Jon's there also, cool, if not, she's not worried. Matt and Courtney pulling out caused Andrew to pull out also. I don't know why. Seems like he has to do whatever Matt does way too often. I could really care less if that's the case, but Amy was depending on a ride from him, which I felt awful about. Her car had just broken down, and he was supposed to be drive her. My backseat was literally packed to the top with wood from work, and my trunk was full of stupid shit that's always in there, and blankets for the beach that seem to stay in there so I always have supplies. I was already on the bridge when Amy called back to see about squeezing in with us. I felt hella bad but there really wasn't much I could do. So Tristan and I got there and there was a car posted up by the entrance to Poplar. I saw the running lights and knew it was a cop right away. He wasn't doing anything at first. I turned and kept driving like I knew where I was going, and text Jill to let everyone know of the fuzz. We parked on a side street to watch and wait for him to leave. A few minutes later he switched on the red and blue lights and we figured he busted our friends for being down there and ruined our night, but when I called they had still seen no sign of him. After a few minutes of sitting there with the red and blues on, he started driving out, then switched to the yellows, and stopped by the gate. After a few minutes of that he left. We waited to make sure he wasn't just waiting to bust us as we pulled up, but it honestly seemed like he was just taking out the garbage or something and wanted to look important. Unfortunately, his locking of the gate added almost a football field's walk Tristan and I had to carry wood. I rolled up super sneaky status with no lights and used the parking break and down shifting to slow down and stop, just in case the pig was still around. Backed up to the gate and we unloaded a shitload of wood onto some blankets that we thought would be super easy to carry with the 2 of us. God were we wrong. Every 10 steps or so we had to reset. Our knees were bashing against the boards and our backs were hurting for having to carry them at such an awkward angle. When we were finally almost there I came up with the brilliant idea of having the blanket at our backs and lifted up instead of at our fronts and down. So I picked up my end and twisted as I stood up, reminding me of that 'X' choke in jiu-jitsu I still haven't mastered, but it was effective. It was kind of hard to walk backwards, but we definitely covered a lot more ground and hurt our backs a lot less. When we were just about to the end, Danny and Ward came walking up. They helped us by switching it to one corner per person. We took it to the edge of the most solid drop near our fire and we chucked it all over at once. The people remaining at the bottom started collecting before we got down there so there was hardly anything left for us to trudge through the sand. DC immediately started piling on wood and making the fire easily 3x the size they had it. I commented how their fire was a little impotent flame before I came to save the day, like a fiery viagra. Don't remember a whole lot about anything that happened other than the usual just chillin' and talkin' kinda stuff. Everyone laughed and told stories of this and that. Jarrod mentioned those tycoon computer games. He used to be entertained for hours building little amusement parks and picking up random people and dropping them in the water, making me look over when it said "GUEST 239 HAS DROWN." We were supposed to be doing psychology homework. So he jokes about the games and then goes into how there should be a plantation tycoon, and say things like "SLAVE 128 IS NOT PICKING ENOUGH COTTON. WHIP HIM SO HE DOESN'T START A REVOLUTION." Totally fucking racist, but meant in good fun and pretty damn funny. Only other thing I really remember from this was being happy to enjoy a nice bonfire with my friends. And stating that I was pretty happy with the size of it and what we had going; "I'm pretty happy with the amount of wood we have here tonight." Jill and Ward started laughing hysterically. Apparently about .2 seconds before I said that, Jarrod had said, "This is cool, but I wish there was more vagina here." Go figure. It was pretty funny, though. Unfortunately, only a short while after all this, the 6 that had been there since sunset were all beached out and wanted to cut. So they all took off, leaving just Tristan and myself to our huge fire on a gorgeous perfect night with the stars shining bright, which would have been totally romantic and awesome if Tristan wasn't..well, Tristan. It was his first bonfire, though, and I certainly don't mind having good times with good friends. We would've totally stayed there as just the 2 of us, but then we heard voices, lots of voices, and decided to investigate. We grabbed a wood sticker each and headed down the beach. Turned out there was a group of like 30 people just about to set up a fire. They were seriously a strike and a half away, but we offered they come mooch from our fire and we combine forces. They were chill kids, but they didn't wanna go all that way back to where ours was. "Ok, well we brought these 2 pieces with us. We hadn't decided if they're self defense weapons or peace offerings, but you guys seem cool. So if it's all good we'll go grab the rest of our stuff, and maybe bring you back some frankincense and mer and..whatever the last one was."
"I think it was gold, dude."
"Haha well then i'll bring you some sand. You can turn it into pretty glass if you want, but you're not gettin' any gold outta me on the first date."
"Haha yeah you guys are alright. Go grab your stuff and come back and join us for the night."
So me and T grabbed the rest of our stuff and headed back. We had a good time getting to know some of the neighbors, but just like our friends, they were ready to go relatively quickly. I got the main dude's number so we could let each other know when we were doing another one. Just as the last of them were leaving, my friend Luis from work and his 2 roommates showed up. So then were back to small group on a perfect night, just chillin' and enjoyin' it all. His roommates were on shrooms, so they were really enjoying it. One of them was named Jarrod, and looked just like Jerrod Jones but not such skinny bastard and with some hair. At some point a kid with a few girls came walking by and we offered them to join us. They spoke English, but seemed to prefer speaking Spanish amongst themselves. Then 2 more girls who were with them came up from out of no where and joined. Tristan started sidekicking me that they were looking for a fight and we should go.
T: Wanna go?
T: This fool feels sketchy
Me: Relax fool he's got nothin on us
Me: We could take him if we had to
T: I think he has friends
T: Idk tho
Me: don't trip
Me: we got this
T: You think so too huh
Me: yeah relax though and put this shit away
T: For real
T: I know for sure
Me: You know what for sure?
T: they are lookin for a fight
Me: dude its 5 girls and one dude
Me: well be fine
T: He has friends
T: I know
T: I can feel it
T: Lets go
Me: did you feel it before eddies?
T: Yea
T: Lets go
Me: alright lets say like 10 mins
T: No
Me: ugh
T: Now
T: Say the word
T: Go to the water
T: Where arew yopu
So Tristan had wandered off and come back when I hadn't met him at the water, then sat down and looked at me, his eyes pleading for me to listen. I didn't understand, but I finally just told everyone that I had work at 6, which was true, and that we were gonna cut out. Luis' friend Jarrod was still down there while Luis and his other friend went up to the car. Since I still didn't think there was anything wrong, and the kid was fluent in Spanish, I saw no problem with him being there by himself for a few minutes. So Tristan and I walked up the path, him telling me the whole time that he knows for sure they want to fight and they have friends waiting to ambush us and they're some straight hardcore scraps and all kinds of shit. I didn't see why some hardcore bangers would come all the way to calm ass Half Moon Bay, to a non-busy beach, late at night, where there may not even be anyone, if they were looking for the night's fight. He had said a few things, though, that didn't add up, and I don't pay enough attention or key into things I sometimes should. Although we grew up maybe, MAYBE 3 miles apart, he definitely went to a more ghetto school than I did, and was in a tougher neighborhood than I was. He noticed when the kid said he came from Menlo Park, which is right by Palo Alto, and it took them an hour to drive out here. It took us far less than an hour and we were coming from the East Bay. I don't think it's more than 20-30 minutes from Palo Alto to Half Moon Bay. So when you look back, it does seem a little sketch. When we got to the top of the trail, there were 3 dudes up there, listening to a Spanish radio station. I could feel Tristan almost freak out, so before he could, I casually said what's up to them like the oblivious white boy I am. We don't know for sure that they were friends, the only thing we had to go on was the Hispanic part, but that was good enough to get me a little worried, and for Tristan to triple. We came across Luis and his other friend again and told them what Tristan thought was up, and how I didn't think anything until just now, but now I definitely was kinda worried. Luis said we had to go back for Jarrod, I agreed, and Tristan, who's usually the number 1 tough guy, was scared shitless. I'd never seen him like this before. I know it wasn't that he wanted to ditch anyone to save himself, but he was borderline crying and having a panic attack. "I don't wanna get stabbed. I guarantee they have knives, probably strapped, too. Fuck fool, I don't wanna die." I tried to calm him down, saying we're just gonna walk down and get him and say we wanna go get some food now or say I lost my phone down here or something. I took us down a short cut and Jarrod was all alone now. I wasn't sure if we should be relieved or worried. We could see them in the distance on the beach playing with a lighter. We hurried back up the shortcut and down the gated road, never seeing them again. Tristan apologized for freaking out, but I told him not to worry about it. You get instincts for a reason. I don't usually get them. Part of me wishes something had actually gone down. Not that we got stabbed or anything, but that these guys picked a fight and we beat the shit out of them and came out uninjured- something best case, but really just that something happened, so that in the future, when Tristan gets a feeling, everyone's listening, bottom line. We drove back and talked and had a good rest of the night listening to the new Coheed and Cambria.
I woke up at 5 after getting in bed around 3 and called Eric, thinking he was opening with me. Every time he didn't answer, I hit the snooze button and went back to sleep. He finally answered at 530. "You awake fool?"
"Well you better get, we got work in half hour."
"Goddamnit Aaron, I don't work til noon."
"Oh. My bad."
Then I fell back asleep and slept til 645 when Sergio called to see if I was going in. I got there about 730. Only an hour and a half late. God I hate that place.

Saturday I called in for UFC. Not an extremely awesome card going on, but another chance for a bbq and fun time with our friends. Total was myself, Matt, Courtney, Tristan, Jon, Nicole, Sergio, Shauna, Josh, Austin, Andrew, Alli, and I think that's it. My sautéed mushrooms were a big hit on the burgers. My sidekick got stolen and brutally raped repeatedly by probably everyone there. Nicole also called me before and said there was supposed to be a huge meteor shower that night at 8 from a comet that only comes around about every 33 years. I decided to record the fights and take off for that, but we didn't leave until around 845, so didn't get to our spot until around 9. It was Jon, Nicole, Andrew, Alli, Tristan and I. We didn't see a whole lot up there, but it was still a fun time, and I kept seeing nice shooting stars while everyone else wasn't paying attention. All in all good times.

I'm doing this thing Billy was doing on his itunes where he plays them in order listed as songs. I have about 56.7 days worth in here, and I'm still in the songs that start with parenthesis and symbols. I don't know if I'm going to be able to stay true to this plan because it's going to take quite a while, but for now it's fun. And decided to go to my Aunt's in Salinas for Thanksgiving because I don't see that side of the family very often, and her daughters and their families will be there. I feel bad for ditching my mom but I think she understands.

Current mood: chipper

Saturday, November 17, 2007

12:18PM - Nacho Cheese and Anarchy, Boy That Sure Sounds Good to Me

Guttermouth was amazing. I drove Jim, Sean Jorgenson and Correa. Met up out there with Jeremey, Shawn, Jill and Danny. I went to Arroyo's practice first to help out and I was scared we were gonna get to Gilman too late and it be sold out, but it was actually fine. We were basically first in line. We waited for a while for them to finally open up. We bought our Gilman cards and paid the entrance fee for the hand stamp, then went across the street to that Pyramid place. Only like 2 people ordered food, and they were fat ass delicious-looking burgers that I definitely wish I'd had money for. Everyone else just drank. DC bought the largest most ridiculous bottle of beer. It was literally half a gallon, and he can pay to refill it for half the price he bought it for. We went back across the street and went in for a little while to see some band none of us knew. Not bad, though. Then we went outside because Tessa, Michelle, Anna and Tessa's cousin came out. Zack Dunlop showed up somewhere around this time, too. Anna was up for the weekend for her birthday, I think. They were looking for some place to karaoke. It was fun to just chill in front of there, though, because it was like 75% of the people that used to hang out at the tree between B and C hall. Definitely a blast from the past that brings back some awesome memories. And that all of us went to punk shows on a regular basis. I remember that pretty much every girl that hung out there liked me at one point or another. That was pretty awesome. I remember that Michelle got my number from someone and called me and made up a name. I think I liked someone at the time she did that, I don't really remember. She was always hot. Hot in that punk rock way that not just any girl could pull off. She's still as hot now as she was back then, if not hotter. And how Kristen and Heather helllla liked Brandon and I, and the one time we acknowledged they were there was so we could distract them and Nick could steal their little shared journal and laugh about it in class. I can't count how many times "OH MY GOD AARON AND BRANDON ARE SOOO HOTTT" appeared in there. How some dick jock threw a water balloon at us or something. I think the splash got a few people, but nothing major. Then I think Will threw the remainder of his whopper and fries toward, but not at them, and it just landed there among them. The dick laughed and said, "Was that supposed to hit me?"
Will kept a straight face, then smiled slightly and shook his head, "No."
Then an army of seagulls started swooping down and going for everything and the whole island was screaming and running and covering their heads while we fell over laughing. And Will simply said something like, "Don't fuck with me when my seagull friends are near. Too much good stuff. So we hung out outside for a while then I heard Guttermouth about to start, gave everyone hugs and said goodbye, then ran in for one of the bands I've loved forever. Probably been listening to them since around the time all those memories with the tree people are from. They opened up with "End on 9," which is a great song to start off with and get the pit going. I wasn't planning on going in originally, but after 3 or 4 songs I couldn't hold out anymore. I ran in and went nuts. That's what I like about small venues, there's not usually enough room for people to get enough speed to smash through and clothesline you too hard or anything. After a few songs I saw DC in there. Last guy I expected to see in there with me, not knowing a single song, but having a blast and just enjoying the moment. That's the kind of fun I love. Don't know it? Don't matter. Just fucking enjoy it anyway. He went wild with me and we had a blast in there. Then a few songs after that Jim was in there with us. Just a few songs before he and I were on the edge singin' our lungs out and smiling at each other, like our smiles were saying "Yup, this is the fuckin' Guttermouth we grew up on and love." And he'd said he wasn't going to go in. I think he swore off moshing when we went to NOFX and we ran in when they opened with my favorite song, "Perfect Government." I was in front so I didn't see when he got knocked over right behind me. I didn't see him til much later in the show with a fat lip, "Some fucking pink pair of vans is all I saw. I'm still looking for them so I can get my revenge."
"That bitch."
"Or faggot."
So I definitely didn't expect to see Jim in there with me. And when "High Balls" came on, that's Shawn's song, so I turned around just as he was running in to sing with us. Mostly they played all their fast heavy punk songs, and some fun sing-a-longs. And Mark's goofy ass is still as funny and spastic as ever. He got spit on from the crowd and instead of getting all pissed, he laughed and said he knows he's sexy because guys in the crowd are jerking off to him and flinging their loads at his face, haha priceless. All around an awesome show with awesome company. All my other friends were at A Block Fest- bunch of San Leandro Hardcore bands playing in Oakland. I'm still not crazy into hardcore, so it was no loss for me. But this was the awesome music that I grew up on. Kinda strange to think about what we're gonna call this stuff when all the punk bands of 20 year-olds we grew up on are dead and long gone. Are we gonna talk about NOFX and Rancid like old people talk about Frank Sinatra? Are we gonna call them classics? I guess we'll have to wait and see.

UFC bbq tonight.

Current mood: hungry

Friday, November 16, 2007

11:43AM - Life 101

Last night I did something for the first time. I saved my virginity for love. That was something I knew I'd wanted to do for a long time. So at the tender young age of 22 years, 9 months, 1 week and 3 days I lost it and made love for the first time. We had always called it making love. We always said "I love you" before starting. Sometimes it was more for that than others, but we still pretty much always called it that and always acknowledged that that's what we were doing. There's a huge difference between making love and fucking, and I wanted that to be known. I've thought about it a lot, and never really figured out why I wanted to wait. Sometimes I think it's because I wanted to prove to people that guys like that could exist; guys that didn't want girls for one thing only. Sometimes I think it was because it was the right thing to do; that sex without love was wrong. No one taught me this. I just picked it up. I know I wasn't super concerned about disease or pregnancy, but that was part of why I didn't want to sleep around all over the place. Often I worried that a girl was of low self-esteem and would use her body to get attention and affection, and that I didn't want to be a part of only making that worse. And in the end, I still don't know why I did it like that, but I did. My friends ran around bangin' and keeping score and telling me their stories and asking why I wasn't a part of it. Mike Metrikin, drunk at Mace's birthday, was preaching to me for what seemed like hours about how I should be "plowing through pussy like a train." Then compared my life to a 50's movie with a ridiculously-mustached villain tying girls to train tracks. "Your cock should be that train. You should be running through bitches like there's 50 tied to the tracks and it not even slow you down." Then he went on about how I'm ripped and bitches love me and it's not gonna last forever. And that I should've just been walking up to hot girls and saying "I was on My Super Sweet 16," and whipping my dick out. It was quite entertaining. I've had my options since well before Candy, during, and after. Lots of them. Offers for fuck buddies, for no strings attached one nighters, and things for the most part I've never wanted any part of. A couple months ago I messed around with a girl a little bit. I hadn't planned on it when I went over. I was bored and awake and didn't have anything I had to do. She said to go visit. I knew she was looking at me like that, but she had a friend over, so I figured I was safe. Her friend fell asleep and she ended up moving her hands places and one thing led to another. It was all just 2nd base stuff, but I felt so weird after. I felt disgusted with myself. I felt dirty. I felt like no matter what I did I couldn't wash her smell off of me. I usually went out of my way to avoid girls like this, but this time I really hadn't expected anything to happen. So it happened, I felt weird and didn't tell anyone. Then I sent her a message saying how weird I felt because that kinda stuff isn't me and how I think we should just be regular friends. For a while after she tried to get me to go back over late at night. I stayed strong and resisted. Just like when I get my haircut, at some point it starts to get long and I tell myself I'm going to grow it for a while, then I cut it and I'm always glad I do; every other time I had offers from girls for things like this, no strings attached fucking, I usually told myself that's not what I want and didn't try to make anything of it. The few times I did try to, for some reason or other it didn't work out, and I was always happy it didn't. Then I told myself this is an obstacle I need to overcome. I don't have to keep doing things the exact same as I always have. I mean, if you do things the same way you always have, you'll get the same things you've always gotten. Not that that's absolutely a bad thing, and I'm not going to throw my morals out the window, but I told myself I want to be able to that if I want to, and not have to worry about it. There's nothing wrong with living for the moment and doing what you want when you want. I do it for everything else, I just never did it for sex before. And I literally had to pep talk myself for a while before going, but I told myself I wanted to do this. I wanted to get this over with. The other night I had planned on going over, but then I got nervous and changed my mind. I told her I was tired and going to bed. I almost canceled on last night, too, but I convinced myself to go through with it. I had never fucked before. It was always about love and passion, but I'm young and there's plenty of time for love and passion later. I don't plan on making this a regular part of my routine, but who knows. I've always been a nice guy, and I'm always going to be a nice guy. I'm not going to lie to girls to get off. I'm not going to go home with girls on the same night I meet them. I'm not going to take advantage of drunk girls or girls who are in a rough emotional patch. This girl wasn't anyone particularly pretty or cool. She's not someone I plan on being great friends with. She's not really even my type. But it was all her idea. So I guess it's not using if you're both using each other. It wasn't that great of sex, but I can't say if that's just because or because it was different and under circumstances I'm not used to, but it was more for psychological reasons than pleasure- sex for science if you will. This was purely for perspective. And I don't feel that I should shout from the rooftops that I had sex with the 2nd girl ever, but I don't feel that I should have to hide it or be embarrassed either. It was kind of something to see if it makes me look at things differently. I'm not sure if it does yet, but I don't regret it in the slightest. I don't feel I should be ashamed of myself for doing something out of character. Do things and find out things. That's life.

Fuck Depot. Can't wait to quit that shit. Jim called to tell me Guttermouth is playing at Gilman. That was an instant call in sick. So I'm stoked for that tonight. As soon as I hung up with Jim and before I could call in Guttermouth came up on itunes. Haha "Carp." Cannot stress enough how good itunes is at that. So I'm there. So there.

Current mood: excited

3:25AM - Definitely Implementing a New "Take Your Garbage With You" Rule for My Car

I had to tear my car apart looking for my calculator. Well, actually Nick's calculator I borrowed. But there's so much shit in my car, and most of it isn't even mine. I still have all those stripper cards in there from Vegas, and I really don't plan on ever getting rid of those because they're a good decoration of a good time, but besides garbage, I found some pretty random shit in there. The movie "Heartbreakers" with Jennifer Love Hewitt and her huge knockers; found the dvd under the passenger seat. Along with a mini super soaker, same safety goggles, socks, several chapsticks, lots of loose change, a home depot department phone (which I definitely don't plan on giving back), miscellaneous warped tour stickers and promo cds, and other crap I forgot already. It's not like I cleaned it out, just vowed to not let it get so dirty next time while I kept searching for the calculator. I finally found it shoved into the backseat. So hopefully I'll clean out the car soon, too. I mean I really doubt it, but I hope so. And definitely enforce people taking their garbage out with them.

In other news, Ashley signed me up for that blind date site. She was definitely more excited about it than I was. Then I got the lecture. And after getting more input, both on here, and from asking people what they thought, no, I am not so stubborn and pig-headed that I can't consider someone's advice- I kissed the Candy pictures so long. So goodbye to old pictures, hello to Ashley's fun little saying, "more mystery, less history." So I was mildly excited to try it out because I'd always wanted to go on a blind date before, and Ashley was pretty excited probably just because she's a girl and girls get excited by crap like that, but I never expected Matt to be as juiced as he was and see his eyes light up when I told him about it. So his plan: run around and try to stay incognito while spying on me. He told Tristan and Jon about it and that they have to join him with walkie talkies and disguises. "Like funny hats and mustache-nose-glasses combination things and chicken suits! Man, I'm juiced!" They were pretty excited, too, but Matt for sure wins the prize. And I, of course, am completely willing to turn my slim to nil dating life into my friends' entertainment. Not like I'd have much choice anyway, but I can definitely see this being a blast. Or I'll have an ear piece and Matt will be saying retarded stuff and making me burst into hysterical laughter at the same time she's talking about when her grandmother died or something and make me look like the world's biggest asshole. Either way, I smell good times a-comin'.

Yesterday on the way to school I think I seriously hit every green light. I only had to stop for stop signs. It told me it was going to be a very good day. I was totally wrong as I later got 7/20 on my quiz after studying my ass off and totally thinking I knew what I was doing. It's kinda frustrating. Actually it's very frustrating. I could've and should've studied more and sooner. Too little too late. I mean I'm glad that I tried to get help, but I should've been doing it like this since the beginning. Statistics is hard but it's not like I'm stupid. I chose to go to Alameda because they waived the pre req for me. Not the brightest of ideas if I'm not going to work double time to understand it without understanding the shit that came before it. And I half get a lot of it and know I can do it if I really work at it. As for passing it this semester, I don't know if that's going to happen. And I should be mad. I should be pissed at myself for being so stupid, yet I'm still so positive that it doesn't seem to bother me. I can shrug it off and say, "You'll get 'em next time, kid." Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but it is. I want to own a lot of things, I want to accomplish a lot of things, and most I probably won't. And that's alright with me. It really truly is. I want a camera, I want an ipod, I want more tattoos, I want to go places. And when it comes down to it, you don't make it for any reason other than to spend it. That's money's one and only purpose in life. There are a lot of things I probably should be saving for. There are credit card banks I should pay back. If I made more I would probably do both of those. But I'm really at the point right now where those things don't seem to matter. I'm just not worried about them. Is it the right way to feel? I don't know, but it's how I feel. I'm also at the point in life where I don't care about people spending money on me. For a few years now I truly haven't wanted things of monetary value for Christmas. It's definitely lost its meaning and is only about the presents. I do accept them from my friends and family, and of course appreciate them, but that's not what really matters to me. Same with birthdays. Just everyone hanging out and saying happy birthday and having fun is all that really matters to me. Just a hand-written card or a mix cd someone made of songs that remind them of me, or even songs I like; a phone call just saying they're glad to be part of my life and that we're friends, even just those 2 words, "happy birthday" and then hanging up is awesome. Those are the things that matter. Those are the things that really mean something. My mom got me tickets to see Van Halen for my birthday. That's fucking amazing. They're 150 bucks a pop, and she charged one for each of us, and then 3 for Shawn, Jill and Black Mike, which they're paying her back for. I don't want my mom to spend $300 on my birthday, but have I wanted to see Van Halen with David Lee Roth singing and the whole original line up for the past 20 years? Fuck yes. I'd be crazy not to accept this. And in the long run it's the same concept to her, fuck the money, all she cares about is what's gonna put a smile on my face. When Tristan and I watched Clerks 2 a few weeks ago, it really struck deep. When the 2 best friends were arguing in jail and one says to do what makes sense to him; that school's not for everyone, and that the same route isn't what works for everyone, and just to do what makes sense to him. It really helped when thinking about some things. School isn't for everyone. I do believe it is for me and I do want to finish, and wish more of my friends hadn't given up on it either, but it's not all there is in life we can do. I want to finish because it'll make accomplishing the things I want to accomplish easier, but if I could do them without it I might. All that really matters is I'm happy doing whatever I end up doing. All that really matters is that I have a good story to tell when all's said and done.

Life can only be
What you put into it
My life's my casserole
And i want to fill it with fun, fun, fun, fun

Most gorgeous sunset today. The clouds were dark but the edges were lit up the brightest pink-red-orange combination I've ever seen. They looked like they were on fire. I climbed the fence on Wicks by the old folks' home to get a better look at it for longer. It was amazing. So mad I didn't have anything that takes pictures other than my crappy sidekick. I'm not sure I'll ever see another one like that. Makes me want to live somewhere pretty. Enjoy those sights every day. I'll never forget what it looked like, just wish I could show others the pictures.

Current mood: tired

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